A Blog of a Different Colour

  Now that I'm done ranting... I'd just like to say I love my crazy life. I have been head over heels in love with the same man for almost seven years. As most of my readers know, this love hasn't always come easy. It hasn't always been something I could even talk about. There was a time where my life was blown apart, and I didn't think I'd be able to ever say out loud to him again "I love you."  I went through a lot of misery before I realized, I'm going to keep loving him and that's okay. So that's what I did. For almost two years of not being together, I lived my life. I went out, I worked, I had a life, and I nurtured my friendship with the father of my babies. We rebuilt from the ground up with trust, friendship, and more love than I could ever have imagined... from thousands of miles apart.

  I can honestly say, there were times where I thought all we would have was that friendship. I was okay with that. He was (and is) my very best friend. He knows me better than anyone else in this world. He knows when I need to be nurtured and hugged, and he knows when I need a verbal slap across the face so to speak. He knows me, he gets me, he loves me. He knows my moods without me even really saying anything. He knows how to make me smile when all I want to do is cry. He is my soul mate. No one has ever touched me the way he has, and if friendship was all we would ever have.. I could have been completely content with that. That wasn't going to be the case though, and I'm a lot more content with that.

 Let me try and start somewhere that makes sense...

  Two years ago I had to come back to Florida to take care of some things. To be honest, the decision was made hastily and for the wrong reasons. It lead to a lot of problems we were having coming to light and being all we could focus on. So he stepped back and said, we can't do this anymore. We have to stop this. It hurt, a lot. I didn't know what to do or where to turn. For so long I had let my life revolve around him and us, that was part of the problem. This thing that I viewed as such a horrible event, ended up being the best thing that could have happened for me and for us.

 Eventually I picked myself off of my tear soaked bed, I got a job, I started finding things to occupy myself. I found myself. The me I'd lost somewhere along the lines. The friend he had fallen in love with. I found myself, and I grew myself. I've already written about all of that somewhere else, but it's worth repeating this... if you do not love yourself, you can not love someone else or expect someone else to love you. Loving yourself is the key. I found that key and I'll never lose it again. I wasn't the only one journeying either, he went on a journey of his own. There were things he needed to deal with and explore, and he did that. I walked by his side along the way, quiet and subtle, but always there if he needed me. He did the same for me, repaying that favour was only fair. I never intruded on his life, but we slowly rebuilt trust and friendship. I never made secret of my feelings, we didn't play games with each other, we just... walked and talked (metaphorically not literally). I think it's fair to say, we were walking along two roads that were close enough for us to rebuild, but not so close that we were shoving each other off the road. As we walked, the roads grew closer together .. until we came to a point where we had the choice to continue together or alone.

  We chose together. He chose together first. He took my hand and said walk with me. How could I say no? A lot of people won't understand. A lot of people may question what we're doing. A lot of people don't get unconditional love. I'm not wearing rose coloured glasses, I see him and he sees me. You have to see to love, and god do I ever love. This man, my best friend, my future husband, my soulmate, the father, he is amazing. Not despite anything, but because of everything. He is amazing. Not perfect, but certainly perfect for me. I am blessed. I am in love. The road we're on now, it will be bumpy, it won't always be smooth sailing, but I don't care, because I will have my arms wrapped around him, and he will have his arms wrapped around me.. and together, we will weather any storm and conquer any bumpy road.

 My only complaint is that I can't find a mountain tall enough to shout my love from, so that everyone can hear. I guess facebook will do, eventually.

A rant at Large

WARNING: This is probably full of spelling errors, grammatical errors, run ons, paragraphs that should be separated... I don't care. This is my rant, not a professional piece of writing. 

We are all allowed to have our opinions, we are all allowed to freely share those opinions, but in an age where information is at your fingertips... don't you think you should check a fact or two before spreading bull shit all over the internet?? Educated free speech would do a lot less damage. Perhaps you should also try compassionate free speech. Oh and maybe before really using that free speech, you should remember basic things we're taught in kindergarten. Like, treating others how you want to be treated. Don't sit there and insult people, beliefs, whatever, and then sit back and be surprised when someone takes issue. Don't hide behind your 'free speech'. Free speech is not a shield for saying whatever stupid shit you want to say.

 Where the hell did common courtesy go? Where did RESPECT go? Respect for ourselves, respect for others, respect for this planet and ALL of it's inhabitants. It's really no wonder so much of the world hate's America. We're completely clueless, and what's worse it's by choice. Most Americans have access ot the internet, most Americans have free information at their fingertips, most Americans chose not to use that information.

Here are a few simple thoughts I have to get out before I explode:

1. Your religion gets to tell you what to do, it doesn't get to tell me what to do. I respect that, so should you.

2. Religion has no place in law, in a country that was built on separation of church and state and ESCAPING religious persecution.

3. Stop saying you're tolerant and tolerate other people and their differences. A pretty smart friend of mine recently said, saying you tolerate someone is a bit condescending   and you're basically saying "I know I'm right, but I'll allow you to continue thinking what you think." Here's an idea, instead of tolerance try acceptance. Accept that everyone is different, welcome to their beliefs and opinions, and just leave it at that. It doesn't hurt you if Bob over there thinks Jesus was born to a virgin, and you don't.

4. Before you vote, check your facts. Do not vote based on campaign ads, do not vote based on pictures floating around the internet of he said she said bull shit. Non-Bias information can be really hard to find, but it IS out there. Find it. Educate. Vote.

5. Small government vs big government, it's all bull shit. It's like this, the guy up top with the ideas and the money creates the jobs. He hires people to help him run the company he's starting. They then hire people to do build the company. Then they hire people to keep the company running. This is like a card tower, if you remove one person from the equation, it will all come tumbling down. This means that everyone, from the innovator at the top, the the janitor at the bottom, are equally important. They are all doing their part to keep the business running. So why is the janitor expected to live on peanuts while the innovator lives on caviar? We're all putting into the system, the system needs to be giving back to ALL of us. Taxes and health care should all be on a sliding scale. A set scale of you pay what you can afford to pay. Not you find every tax loop hole you can, get the best health care, and the little guy gets pretty much nothing. Trickle down economics doesn't work. It hasn't worked. We need a change. We need to stop killing the middle class. Everyone should have the chance at a good education. Everyone should be able to see a doctor without fear. Everyone should do their part to pay their taxes. Everyone should have a system that helps keep them from falling when they hit hard times. I'm sure you're thinking, "okay now let's all join hands around the campfire and sing kumbaya". Well you know what, yes let's do just that. Let's all realize that we are all tiny little parts that make up the whole, and start treating each other as such.

6. Treat others how you want to be treated is the most important lesson you ever learned in school. That and the way the buddy system works. Maybe politicians and all the people at each others throats over repub vs democrat or christian vs... everyone else... should all go back to kindergarten and relearn this lesson.

7. My uterus and ovaries are in my body, stop trying to tell me what to do with them. I'm pretty sure this falls under one of my other points, about your religion telling me what to do. However, all of you super far right conservative tea party republicans and your "Small Government, except in every womans uterus" need to understand this... I get to decide what I do with my body, not you or anyone else. You don't get to limit my birth control options, you don't get to make it harder and more expensive for me to access, and you don't get to tell me that I HAVE to continue to be pregnant should one of my forms of birth control fail, or god forbid, I get raped. I don't feel like I should have to tattoo "property of MYSELF" on my reproductive organs just to remind you that they do in fact, belong to me.

8. Was there an 8? Oh yea, there was I remember now. Why, in 2012, when so many other major countries are over this issue, is "gay rights" still something we're talking about? Because religion runs America. See how all these issues tie back to, keep religion out of politics? As long as they can control who you love, who you can marry, who is fit to raise children, whether or not a woman can control her own uterus, who gets health coverage, and a couple other key factors... republicans are ALL for small government. Totally makes sense. Men love men. Women love Women. Sometimes, a man or woman born as one gender identifies more with the other and goes through some changes. I'm sorry, how the fuck does that effect you? Stop worrying that 'the gay' is contagious and get over yourself. If you are so insecure in your own sexuality that you think seeing two dudes kissing or holding hands is suddenly going to make you gay too, well that's your own personal issue you might want to investigate. As for the 'institute of marriage'... don't even get me started. It's such an archaic out of date thing, but legally it's necessary. Let's not sit here and pretend though, that marriage today is exactly what it was at it's beginnings. Women are no longer property. Women are no longer bought and sold for properties too a husband. If a women is raped, that man is no longer considered her husband. Men no longer take several wives, well most men anyways. No, the point behind marriage now is very simple. It is A: a way to stand up in front of your friends and family and say, I love this person. B: a legal piece of paper that says, if something happens to this person I get to be there and I get to have a say in what happens, because I know them best. No one can keep me out of that room. C:A great way to get gifts. Seriously though, why are we denying gay people the rights of straight people? How does allowing a man to be by the side of the love of his life, as he lays dying, effect your marriage at ALL? How does allowing two women to share in health insurance, effect your marriage AT ALL?? What does it teach our children? That love is love, whoever is feeling it. Get over it.

9. We're killing our planet. We have no respect for it. We have no respect for the other species living on it. Creating a more sustainable, healthy, cleaner world would be a lot easier than we make it seem. In this technological age, I think we have to, before it's too late. The earth can't continue to support the way we are living. Lower your carbon footprint, buy from companies that are lowering their carbon footprints, buy local when you can. Support renewable resource based companies. The more you support, the easier to access these things will become. Where there is a will, there is a way. Find the will, so we can all find the way to a cleaner earth for our kids and their kids... and so their kids, kids, have an earth to live on.

  I guess my basic point here is really simple.. religion is not law, laws and freedoms are not a crutch, and if we spent 5 minutes treating someone else the way we expect to be treated... things could probably get a whole lot better real fast. Now go hold hands with strangers and make them sing kumbaya with you.

Listing lists and healthy living

Some random things that I love...

-The smell of fresh cut grass. I don't know why, but I always have. It just makes me smile.
-The smell of ocean. It's huge, it's beautiful, it's dangerous but cleansing. I love everything about the ocean. I was probably a mermaid in a previous life.
-The way I feel after a kick ass work out. Even if I feel like I want to die while doing it. Even if I bitch and whine and complain. I love the way it feels after. That triumphant, fuck yes I did this, feeling.
-Your name and the word boyfriend anywhere near it. I'm so in love with you and our life, it's ridiculous.
-My best friend Brittany, that's right I put her on my things I love list. I've never met her in person, but when I'm sad, when I'm happy, when I need someone to tell me exactly like it is.. she is there. I don't think my 'journey to a whole new me' could have happened with out her. B-Rizzle, you're a little piece of my heart floating around out there in Canada.
-Organization and lists. For a long time I felt like I had no control over my life. As part of my new lease on life, I have dove head first into being more organized. Part of that is creating lists, keeping a planner, organization at home. It's my way of having a little bit of control, I temper that with a free and open mind that realizes you can't organize or plan everything. Some things are out of your control, I just remind myself always that my REACTION and ACTIONS are in MY control.


  Okay so, this last month or two has been very rocky as far as sticking to my healthy lifestyle goes. I haven't remained consistently active and I haven't consistently eaten well. That's okay though. I can't dwell on that. What's done is done, and I can't go back and undo it. Rome wasn't built in a day, and much like that one can not change habits over night. Brittany and I have become work out buddies. Obviously we can't actually work out together, but I've created a my fitness pal account and I will be talking to her regularly about her healthy choices as well as about my own. I will remain accountable by talking about it, and tracking it.

  Last night I downloaded the 30 day shred work out, I'm going to be starting it tomorrow.. or maybe tonight, I haven't exactly decided yet. I'm excited about it. This morning I took the kids to school and then went to the park. I downloaded an app for my phone that does walk/run intervals and I spent 25 minutes at the park on the nature trails. 5 minutes of warm up walking, and then 5 each of 2 minute intervals of running/walking. Basically 5 minute warm up, 2 min run/2min walk, repeat 5 times. It might not seem like much, but to me it was a victory. I don't run. I hate running. It winds me so bad, and makes me feel like I'm going to die. I pushed through it though, I pushed through feeling like I couldn't breath. I pushed through the burn in my legs. I pushed through feeling self conscious of the people around me. I ran. I completed the goal I set for myself. Then I finished a work out with a group that was working out in the field, and then I left. It felt great. I feel great. I've set a goal for myself of where I want to be, by when and I am determined to get there. I have also set a reward for myself. Motivational win?

Okay, I'm going to go, I have a letter to write and future plans to daydream about.

I leave you with this quote I saw somewhere, I really like it.

"If you don't like where you are, change it. You are not a tree"

Warning: This is a lot of rambling.

   One of the things I've realized in the last year, is that it is really easy to blame others for mistakes that we make, for decisions we make, for choices that we think we can handle. It's very easy to look at these choices and say "well if you had done this then I could have done that". Here's the thing though, you have to make choices and decisions for yourself, without expectation of what others will or won't do - because they can only make decisions for themselves as well. You can't control what other people do, just like they can't force you into decisions or choices.

  In other news, last night at work was intense. It's tax-free weekend in Florida, for all your back to school needs. Picture the weekend before Christmas. That's what my store is like this weekend. It's flipping insane. On the plus side of things, I was training a new girl for the fitting room last night and our store manager told her "you couldn't have a better teacher!". It's small but, it's such a nice compliment from the top of our stores food chain. Later in the night my TL told me that she felt like she'd really hit the jack pot with me, that also felt really nice to hear. I applied for a new position last night, same department just more responsibilities. I'm excited about it, fingers crossed!

  I only have 3 weeks of bear left. This breaks my heart. I miss him already and he isn't even gone yet. I am so sick and tired of the judgement that I receive because Logan lives with his dad. It's fucking ridiculous. I know that what others think doesn't matter, what matters is that I know the truth and so do Logan and Chris. However, it is disheartening sometimes to try and do the right thing only to be hit so hard with what people think about it. I can't stand the assumption that I am somehow less of a mother because I happen to be selfless enough to realize that he has a better quality of life with his dad. Not because he is loved more, not because I can't provide for him, not because there is something wrong with ME. No, it's because his dad lives in Canada. Somewhere with an amazing school system, an amazing health care system, and a fantastic openness and kindness towards others. It is a wonderful place to raise a child, and if my child can have his life up there, why wouldn't I allow him that? It's astounding to me how much Chris has to defend me. First, why do people even feel like they need to have an opinion on me or our situation? Second, you don't know me. You don't know us. You don't know our family. Being a parent isn't about treating your child as if it's some extension of you. It isn't about treating your child like a barbie doll you get to dress how you want, teach what you like, and groom to be a new you. Basically, children aren't accessories or toys. They are mini humans. Your job as a parent is teach them independent thought, to trust in their imagination, to nurture their natural born qualities like love and compassion, and to do what is best for THEM not what is best for YOU.

 I think I'm done rambling for now, maybe :p

More random randomness of randomhood

This is one of those days where I don't have entire... blog all of their own... type thoughts in my head, but I still feel like writing so we'll combine some things into a ... random randomness type list.


1. This month has flown by. I feel like Logan just got here, and he's already been here almost an entire month. About one month of the bear left. Mama bear is going to be sad...

2. Working out is kicking my ass. Seriously, but in such a good way. I am feeling more energetic and alive. I feel healthier. I can handle running around work like a mad woman without feeling like I'm going to drop dead of a heart attack.

3. Healthy eating while broke is hard, but not impossible. For lunch yesterday I had red and white bean salad. Smaller proportions are needed when you eat healthy proteins, so I didn't even need to eat very much of it to be satisfied.

4. "Love is hard" ... "Love takes work".. I think these might be two of the most ridiculous sentences that I hear regularly spoken or see written. LOVE isn't hard, it's easy, wonderful, and beautiful. LOVE doesn't take work, it just is or it isn't. It needs to be watered, like flowers in a garden. Cherished. Nourished. However, when love IS, those things aren't work, they're second nature. It's RELATIONSHIPS that take work. Why do they take work? They take work because people view each other as property. You are my property, you belong to me, so ask my permission before everything you do. Don't even think of talking to another guy/girl, because you are mine and can only talk to me. You are mine so you can only love me. All of these sound crazy when you put them out there like that, however that is exactly how we tend to treat our S/O - like property.

5. Work. I don't want to jinx anything, but I'm really excited about some things at work. I have thirty days to prove myself, and then I'll be more willing to talk about it. For now though.. mad excited.

... is that all for now? I think it might be. Peace bloggersphere! Have a great day, and remember your kindergarten rules - treat others how you want to be treated!

Sing my love for.. my life.

So, posting every day doesn't really work for me. Maybe I just don't have as much to say as I think I do, haha. However, I am proud of myself for not going a year inbetween blogs anymore. My problem is that sometimes I have things to say, that I know I can't say or shouldn't say - so I just try and steer clear of blogging for a few days to stop myself. I guess what's more important though, is that I am allowing myself the time to come and stare at a blank blog page for a little bit every day, just in case I have words that want to spill out onto these e-pages.


I started seriously working out recently, I may have mentioned that somewhere. Up until now I've been swimming regularly and walking every night, but nothing too extreme. I have started to include yoga into my daily life, and a more extreme work out every other day. It's about twenty minutes of intense work out that gets my heart pumping and dripping in sweat. Lovely image I know, I'm actually exaggerating I don't really drip sweat, I'm not a drippy kind of girl. Anyways, this routine is seriously kicking my ass but in such a good way. I love running through work and feeling my muscles yell at me, and knowing hey - that's progress right there. Progress I can -feel-. Tangible results. Who doesn't love tangible results? Also, I bought some yoga shorts last night for working out. It's the first time I've bought a 'yoga' based pant product in awhile, because I try not to wear material that stretches too often. It's killer to the weight loss. However, I have to say this was actually exciting for me. Last time I bought yoga pants they were an xxl, that tells you something. Last night I bought size L yoga shorts, and that felt great.

Next on the shit in my head list. Some of my best friends, who are extremely talented musicians, just released five new songs today. I'm going to post a link to where you can learn more about them, at the bottom of this blog. For now, can I just say that I love these people? Not only are they musically talented, I mean yes they sing great, they play instruments, they're talented, but lyrically, sometimes I think they may just be more than talented. Perhaps even brilliant. I am an avid music lover, I love a song that can talk to me in whatever mood I'm in. I understand the need for pop fluff, it's fun and easy and we all love fun and easy sometimes. Then there's the music that truly touches you, and through the years a lot of artists have made songs that truly touch me, but it is very rare that a single artist or group of artists consistantly make songs that really touch me. This is Third Wheel Tuesday for me. Not just my bias as their friend speaking here, but as an objective music lover. Their lyrics reach in and touch pieces of my soul, they make me want to shout "Yes, this, this right here is EXACTLY what I wanted to say and couldn't figure out HOW to say!". Rare and beautiful quality in a band, so I highly recommend you check them out.

Finally, I may have mentioned before how happy I am to have all three of my babies with  me, but I'm going to say it again. I spend so much time missing my family, and in those too few times where I have all of us together... I am in my element, I am my happiest, I am full. Having all three of my kids with me is like that. I come home and I see them all sleeping or they all rush out to meet me, and I think 'how lucky am I, seriously'. They are little, witty, funny, amazing, magical people who can lighten up any room and bring an instant smile to my face when I don't want to smile and I am so grateful for the relationship I have that allows me to have all of them together for a little while. Putting Logan's needs first is the most important part of being his mom, but missing him is the hardest thing. I am so grateful that he has a father who can and does take amazing care of him for the majority of the year. I am so grateful for the way we parent together, even miles apart. I am so grateful for the fact that I don't have to ever worry about Logan when he is with Chris, or vice versa. He knows he will come back to his Canada home at the end of the summer, and I know come Christmas Logan will be in my arms again.

In short, I am in love with my life. Totally and completely 100% head over heels in love with my life. Through the struggles I find strength. Through the drowning I learn to be a better swimmer. When it all gets to be just a bit much, I learn to remember that I have the best friends in the entire world, and the greatest kids.

 Promised links:
Third Wheel Tuesday on..
Reverbnation : http://www.reverbnation.com/thirdwheeltuesday you can hear all their music here, and download what you love the most all for free!
Facebook : http://www.facebook.com/thirdwheeltuesday you can follow them here, just go like their page for updates on new music, local shows, etc etc.
And if you really love them, you can get your TWT swag here : http://www.reverbnation.com/store/store/artist_779473?item_type=merchandise (I still really want a hoody guys, just sayin)

Random randomness, of randomhood

1: Life is like skipping across rocks down a riverbed, sometimes you slip and you fall. You get back up, you think 'what did I do wrong there' and you're more careful as you continue skipping down the riverbed. You don't stop skipping, you don't go back out of fear, you learn a lesson and you keep going. Lifes downs are a lot like those slips, you learn a lesson, you get up, and you continue. Then when the ups come, you appreciate them, you think wow look at the lessons I learned to get here. That's life and I love every bit of it.

2. Many of you know my life has been filled with a lot of slips lately, enough to get a girl down - but not this girl. I have plowed through worse before and I will plow through these things too. I can't really talk about them yet because I want to tell someone first, but there are also a lot of really great things going on in my life that I'm super excited about.

3. I'm a crazy person. I think I became a workaholic somewhere along the way. I decided last week to make up for the hours I missed being in the hospital, I would pick up some shifts this week. By some I mean, I work every day from this past thursday until next tuesday, July 17th, that's twelve days straight for those of you who can't do basic math. Ridiculous, crazy person.

4. Today I started doing these workout videos I've been wanting to start for awhile. That was the best twenty minute ass kicking I have ever received. I will alternate them with yoga because my crazy life needs yoga in it.

5. In less than a month some of my most favourite people in the entire world are moving to Florida. My life needs them in it more than it needs yoga okay. I can't even begin to describe the amount of awesome that they are, or how much they have helped me become the person I have grown into in the last year but I'm so excited.

6. I love in paradise, I have amazing friends, I have great family (including a current visit from me madre) and for the next month life is pretty perfect, no matter what else is going on! Only a couple things can make it better, an ice paradise and the mate of my soul. Someday, someday soon I say

 Casual working out and eating right has brought me this far, but I have to step it up and get serious to get the rest of the way to where I want to be!