Warning: This is a lot of rambling.

   One of the things I've realized in the last year, is that it is really easy to blame others for mistakes that we make, for decisions we make, for choices that we think we can handle. It's very easy to look at these choices and say "well if you had done this then I could have done that". Here's the thing though, you have to make choices and decisions for yourself, without expectation of what others will or won't do - because they can only make decisions for themselves as well. You can't control what other people do, just like they can't force you into decisions or choices.

  In other news, last night at work was intense. It's tax-free weekend in Florida, for all your back to school needs. Picture the weekend before Christmas. That's what my store is like this weekend. It's flipping insane. On the plus side of things, I was training a new girl for the fitting room last night and our store manager told her "you couldn't have a better teacher!". It's small but, it's such a nice compliment from the top of our stores food chain. Later in the night my TL told me that she felt like she'd really hit the jack pot with me, that also felt really nice to hear. I applied for a new position last night, same department just more responsibilities. I'm excited about it, fingers crossed!

  I only have 3 weeks of bear left. This breaks my heart. I miss him already and he isn't even gone yet. I am so sick and tired of the judgement that I receive because Logan lives with his dad. It's fucking ridiculous. I know that what others think doesn't matter, what matters is that I know the truth and so do Logan and Chris. However, it is disheartening sometimes to try and do the right thing only to be hit so hard with what people think about it. I can't stand the assumption that I am somehow less of a mother because I happen to be selfless enough to realize that he has a better quality of life with his dad. Not because he is loved more, not because I can't provide for him, not because there is something wrong with ME. No, it's because his dad lives in Canada. Somewhere with an amazing school system, an amazing health care system, and a fantastic openness and kindness towards others. It is a wonderful place to raise a child, and if my child can have his life up there, why wouldn't I allow him that? It's astounding to me how much Chris has to defend me. First, why do people even feel like they need to have an opinion on me or our situation? Second, you don't know me. You don't know us. You don't know our family. Being a parent isn't about treating your child as if it's some extension of you. It isn't about treating your child like a barbie doll you get to dress how you want, teach what you like, and groom to be a new you. Basically, children aren't accessories or toys. They are mini humans. Your job as a parent is teach them independent thought, to trust in their imagination, to nurture their natural born qualities like love and compassion, and to do what is best for THEM not what is best for YOU.

 I think I'm done rambling for now, maybe :p

More random randomness of randomhood

This is one of those days where I don't have entire... blog all of their own... type thoughts in my head, but I still feel like writing so we'll combine some things into a ... random randomness type list.


1. This month has flown by. I feel like Logan just got here, and he's already been here almost an entire month. About one month of the bear left. Mama bear is going to be sad...

2. Working out is kicking my ass. Seriously, but in such a good way. I am feeling more energetic and alive. I feel healthier. I can handle running around work like a mad woman without feeling like I'm going to drop dead of a heart attack.

3. Healthy eating while broke is hard, but not impossible. For lunch yesterday I had red and white bean salad. Smaller proportions are needed when you eat healthy proteins, so I didn't even need to eat very much of it to be satisfied.

4. "Love is hard" ... "Love takes work".. I think these might be two of the most ridiculous sentences that I hear regularly spoken or see written. LOVE isn't hard, it's easy, wonderful, and beautiful. LOVE doesn't take work, it just is or it isn't. It needs to be watered, like flowers in a garden. Cherished. Nourished. However, when love IS, those things aren't work, they're second nature. It's RELATIONSHIPS that take work. Why do they take work? They take work because people view each other as property. You are my property, you belong to me, so ask my permission before everything you do. Don't even think of talking to another guy/girl, because you are mine and can only talk to me. You are mine so you can only love me. All of these sound crazy when you put them out there like that, however that is exactly how we tend to treat our S/O - like property.

5. Work. I don't want to jinx anything, but I'm really excited about some things at work. I have thirty days to prove myself, and then I'll be more willing to talk about it. For now though.. mad excited.

... is that all for now? I think it might be. Peace bloggersphere! Have a great day, and remember your kindergarten rules - treat others how you want to be treated!

Sing my love for.. my life.

So, posting every day doesn't really work for me. Maybe I just don't have as much to say as I think I do, haha. However, I am proud of myself for not going a year inbetween blogs anymore. My problem is that sometimes I have things to say, that I know I can't say or shouldn't say - so I just try and steer clear of blogging for a few days to stop myself. I guess what's more important though, is that I am allowing myself the time to come and stare at a blank blog page for a little bit every day, just in case I have words that want to spill out onto these e-pages.


I started seriously working out recently, I may have mentioned that somewhere. Up until now I've been swimming regularly and walking every night, but nothing too extreme. I have started to include yoga into my daily life, and a more extreme work out every other day. It's about twenty minutes of intense work out that gets my heart pumping and dripping in sweat. Lovely image I know, I'm actually exaggerating I don't really drip sweat, I'm not a drippy kind of girl. Anyways, this routine is seriously kicking my ass but in such a good way. I love running through work and feeling my muscles yell at me, and knowing hey - that's progress right there. Progress I can -feel-. Tangible results. Who doesn't love tangible results? Also, I bought some yoga shorts last night for working out. It's the first time I've bought a 'yoga' based pant product in awhile, because I try not to wear material that stretches too often. It's killer to the weight loss. However, I have to say this was actually exciting for me. Last time I bought yoga pants they were an xxl, that tells you something. Last night I bought size L yoga shorts, and that felt great.

Next on the shit in my head list. Some of my best friends, who are extremely talented musicians, just released five new songs today. I'm going to post a link to where you can learn more about them, at the bottom of this blog. For now, can I just say that I love these people? Not only are they musically talented, I mean yes they sing great, they play instruments, they're talented, but lyrically, sometimes I think they may just be more than talented. Perhaps even brilliant. I am an avid music lover, I love a song that can talk to me in whatever mood I'm in. I understand the need for pop fluff, it's fun and easy and we all love fun and easy sometimes. Then there's the music that truly touches you, and through the years a lot of artists have made songs that truly touch me, but it is very rare that a single artist or group of artists consistantly make songs that really touch me. This is Third Wheel Tuesday for me. Not just my bias as their friend speaking here, but as an objective music lover. Their lyrics reach in and touch pieces of my soul, they make me want to shout "Yes, this, this right here is EXACTLY what I wanted to say and couldn't figure out HOW to say!". Rare and beautiful quality in a band, so I highly recommend you check them out.

Finally, I may have mentioned before how happy I am to have all three of my babies with  me, but I'm going to say it again. I spend so much time missing my family, and in those too few times where I have all of us together... I am in my element, I am my happiest, I am full. Having all three of my kids with me is like that. I come home and I see them all sleeping or they all rush out to meet me, and I think 'how lucky am I, seriously'. They are little, witty, funny, amazing, magical people who can lighten up any room and bring an instant smile to my face when I don't want to smile and I am so grateful for the relationship I have that allows me to have all of them together for a little while. Putting Logan's needs first is the most important part of being his mom, but missing him is the hardest thing. I am so grateful that he has a father who can and does take amazing care of him for the majority of the year. I am so grateful for the way we parent together, even miles apart. I am so grateful for the fact that I don't have to ever worry about Logan when he is with Chris, or vice versa. He knows he will come back to his Canada home at the end of the summer, and I know come Christmas Logan will be in my arms again.

In short, I am in love with my life. Totally and completely 100% head over heels in love with my life. Through the struggles I find strength. Through the drowning I learn to be a better swimmer. When it all gets to be just a bit much, I learn to remember that I have the best friends in the entire world, and the greatest kids.

 Promised links:
Third Wheel Tuesday on..
Reverbnation : http://www.reverbnation.com/thirdwheeltuesday you can hear all their music here, and download what you love the most all for free!
Facebook : http://www.facebook.com/thirdwheeltuesday you can follow them here, just go like their page for updates on new music, local shows, etc etc.
And if you really love them, you can get your TWT swag here : http://www.reverbnation.com/store/store/artist_779473?item_type=merchandise (I still really want a hoody guys, just sayin)

Random randomness, of randomhood

1: Life is like skipping across rocks down a riverbed, sometimes you slip and you fall. You get back up, you think 'what did I do wrong there' and you're more careful as you continue skipping down the riverbed. You don't stop skipping, you don't go back out of fear, you learn a lesson and you keep going. Lifes downs are a lot like those slips, you learn a lesson, you get up, and you continue. Then when the ups come, you appreciate them, you think wow look at the lessons I learned to get here. That's life and I love every bit of it.

2. Many of you know my life has been filled with a lot of slips lately, enough to get a girl down - but not this girl. I have plowed through worse before and I will plow through these things too. I can't really talk about them yet because I want to tell someone first, but there are also a lot of really great things going on in my life that I'm super excited about.

3. I'm a crazy person. I think I became a workaholic somewhere along the way. I decided last week to make up for the hours I missed being in the hospital, I would pick up some shifts this week. By some I mean, I work every day from this past thursday until next tuesday, July 17th, that's twelve days straight for those of you who can't do basic math. Ridiculous, crazy person.

4. Today I started doing these workout videos I've been wanting to start for awhile. That was the best twenty minute ass kicking I have ever received. I will alternate them with yoga because my crazy life needs yoga in it.

5. In less than a month some of my most favourite people in the entire world are moving to Florida. My life needs them in it more than it needs yoga okay. I can't even begin to describe the amount of awesome that they are, or how much they have helped me become the person I have grown into in the last year but I'm so excited.

6. I love in paradise, I have amazing friends, I have great family (including a current visit from me madre) and for the next month life is pretty perfect, no matter what else is going on! Only a couple things can make it better, an ice paradise and the mate of my soul. Someday, someday soon I say

 Casual working out and eating right has brought me this far, but I have to step it up and get serious to get the rest of the way to where I want to be!

Bear Summer

   So yesterday was the much anticipated arrival of little bear. I can't even begin to explain how incredibly happy I am to have my baby with me again. He's just so full of life and love, and a complete delight to be around. Mama missed her baby boy. We celebrated his arrival with a trip to the pool. He absolutely loves the water. He comes by that honestly, I'm a little concerned that he has NO fear what-so-ever with the pool. I mean, it's great and should make teaching him to swim easier, but a child who has no fear of the pool and who can't swim.. that's a dangerous mix! He's got his life jacket on at all times right now, because he loves to jump in. I'm really going to have to get him swimming asap though.

Airport snuggles

He'd just live here if I let him

  Michael and Alhanna are so thrilled to have their brother back too, the reunion of  my three musketeers has been fantastic. Oh there's been some arguments, but find me siblings that don't do that. It's like music to my ears right now, I missed it! 

Three Musketeers

I'm so happy, and I feel so lucky to have three happy, healthy, beautiful children. I have amazing friends, one of my best friends in the entire world I got to spend an hour with yesterday. I swear it's never enough, but I'm thankful for it. However there is a flip side to all this happy, isn't there always? A couple days ago I left my bank card at work, someone took it and spent pretty much everything I had on it and then turned it into the service desk. So, I'm fairly stressed because it basically means I have no money for the next week and a half while it's all straightened out and I wait to get paid. It sucks, it couldn't have happened at a worse time. I'm going to try and remain positive though, and just focus as much as I can all on the good!

Goals for a year

Goals for the next year of my life, it's like new years resolutions in July.

1. Reach my goal weight
2. Get to a comfortable financial place
3. Gain my freedom
4. Pay off old school loans so I can go back to school
5. Be more open minded and open mouthed. Meaning, gain the confidence to talk to people about how feel, instead of holding things in. 
6. Own a good camera
7. Turn said camera into a money making hobby
8. See more concerts, seriously
9. Love freely and openly
10. Visit my BFF, and make it a yearly thing!
11. Move into my own place
12. Start roller blading again
13. Laugh, as often as I possibly can, especially in the face of the things life throws at me
14. Spend more time at the beach
15. Write more often

  I may add to this, but for now I just needed to get these things out there!

The self control monster under the bed.

    So, I know usually there's about four months minimum between my blogging, however I am going to try and make a change to that. Inspired by my bff I want to try and find the time to write every day. Writing has always been my outlet, my sanity, my shoulder to cry on or pillow to scream into. It has been my ever enduring, never turns its back on me, waits around for me when I disappear for four months at a time, type of friend. That said, I'm sure it won't always be interesting posts to anyone other than myself. It won't always be deep, thought provoking, be a better person posts. Some days, like today, it will just be getting out some things inside my head... because things inside your head need somewhere to live too, and my head is getting crowded!


    Now, onto the things in my head! First of all, as most anyone that actually reads this knows, I have been on a roller coaster ride that I like to call "getting healthier" for about a year now. I've sort of hit a plateau in the last few months. That has a lot to do with some things that were going on that I won't get into. Now that it's over though, I want to get back on the wagon. Not just back on the wagon, but  charge the wagon full speed ahead. I have found some work out videos I'm going to dedicate myself to, I'm going to start using the bike I have access to, mix in some swimming for fun and some yoga for sanity. Most importantly though I'm going to work on my self control. I like food. I like food that tastes so good you know it must be bad for you. That's not my real problem though, my real problem is the inability to tell myself no. This will be the first demon I tackle, telling myself no. I started today and I think I had a great first day. I went to the movies this morning with a friend and instead of indulging in movie snacks, I brought healthier snacks with me. I had a spinach salad with homemade salsa on it for lunch, and will pack myself a healthy dinner to remove the temptation of eating fast food junk while at work. Self control has always been the monster under my bed, whether it be food or something else. I have lived with the "you can't have too much of a good (or sinfully good) thing" mentality for too long, but I have faith in my ability to break these bad habits.


     The second thing on my head lately is commmpppllletteeeellly unrelated, yes completely did need to be dragged out like that okay. So I work in retail. In my job I see a lot of different people, happy families, unhappy families, miserable couples, adorable little old people still holding hands, etc etc. People watching has always been something I loved, seeing how people interact with each other, or what they do when they think no one is watching.. it's fascinating to me. I think you can learn a lot from watching people, this weeks learned lesson? Children are placed in our lives as much to teach us life lessons, as we are placed in their life to teach them life lessons. I've watched as mothers try and quiet their laughing children, children who are so clearly just enjoying the hell out of life. For some reason loud, rambunctious, fun having children are seen as "not proper" for public places. While I guess this is true if you're in a stiffy art museum or  packed movie theater, it's not really as true as people seem to think it is.. everywhere else. I think that the biggest lesson that we have to learn from the our children is to stop being so serious all the time and embrace our inner child. We (the universal we of society) force our children to grow up fast, we tell them to stop acting like children, we crush their imagination, chase away their invisible friends, and turn those smiles upside down. Creating a small army of serious, greedy, out for themselves, don't stop and help someone in need, people for the next generation. But.. why? Next time your child is trying to paint you a picture with words, jump into the story with them, fight the dragons along side their invisible friends, pick lolipop flowers in a rainbow field, fly high above the sky with wings you sprouted out of no where. Laugh. Listen to that ever contagious sound of a childs laughter, and instead of shushing it join in. Remember what it's like to look through the naive, innocent, life inexperienced eyes of your own childhood. Remember what it felt like not to understand why anyone would care if two men held hands, worshiped a different god, or spoke a different language. Remember what it felt like to strive only for 5 more minutes of running around outside, instead of making that next dollar. Remember what it felt like to love, just because you hadn't been taught anything else yet. Watch our little people, the reminders of the innocence we all once had... and learn from it. 


  I think that's all my head has right now, oh also Game of Thrones is a great book series. I highly recommend it, even if it did make me so mad last night I almost quit reading it. Maybe I get too invested in characters in a story? Either way, read it. Don't cheat and watch the show! 


 Now that's it for my head, and this blog! 


Todays lunch: