Jack and Jill

(written half asleep at about 3am hastily in a blackberry notepad, I'm not inclined to edit at the moment)

In a perfect world there's me and you
The dream come true, the ever after
But in reality, there's Jack and Jill
Standing at the top of the hill

They've got their pails of water,
Ready to throw, to push us down
As they come tumbling after,
Their bellies filled with laughter

They whisper words into our ears,
Play upon our greatest fears
They splash out our spark,
And leave us scrambling in the dark

As Jack and Jill go running off,
Can we light what's almost lost?
Reach out and find each others hand,
Look a the hill and take a stand...

        Climb back up... Hand in hand

Society and Parenting

   I know I haven't written in awhile, I don't want to say I had writers block because it isn't entirely true. I did a little, but also I've just been busy! So today, while making a status on facebook I was hit with a second of guilt for what I was writing and with that, I had an idea for my next blog.

  The status in question was actually something really simple, about Michael, homework, and how much I don't enjoy doing it with him. The feeling of guilt I spoke of? Because there is something about being a parent that I don't enjoy. Now, I know most of my parent friends totally get this. Still though, that guilt feeling is there. We're conditioned, more or less from the time we're old enough to understand anything, that as women we're going to grow up and have children. Even in this "new" age of independent women, out at the work place doing their own thing, they're still being pressured by a friend, a relative, the looks they get if they say they aren't interested in having kids "at least not yet".  We're conditioned to do it and love every moment of it. It's what we're made for after all right? The view is, that we should be so thankful to have the blessing of little people in our lives that every single moment should just be an amazing adventure. Talk about rose colored glasses.

  I am thankful for my three little miracles of life don't get me wrong, I appreciate that I have them, I cherish them, I enjoy most moments with them. Then there's the moments I don't enjoy, the temper tantrums, the bratcapades (as I like to call them), the having to clean up their puke when they're sick, the late nights when they can't sleep, the getting peed on when a tiny one with a too small for her body bladder crawls into bed with me and has an accident, the doing homework with my 8 year old headstrong son. There's these moments that are just not fun, and every time I think that I would rather be doing anything but dealing with one of these not so enjoyable moments I'm hit with guilt. I look around in the store to make sure no one saw me obviously frustrated at my 3 year old's temper tantrum, I cringe as I think that I really can't stand doing homework with Michael, and so on. I feel guilt for the perfectly human part of being a mom, because let's face it - it's only human to not enjoy these things. So as I posted that status on facebook, and was hit with the feeling of being ungrateful for being allowed to sit here doing homework with this amazing but frustrating little boy, I realized that it's okay to feel these things. Will that stop me from the occasional pang of guilt for not enjoying parenthood's sucky little moments? No, probably not, however I will stop myself and remind myself it's okay to not enjoy them... Right?

Pumpkin, pumpkin, pumpkin eater!

Okay so no one is eating any pumpkins, but about a week ago the kids and I had a "Pumpkin Festival" all on our own, I painted their faces and we did some arts and crafts adn then.. we did pumpkins! The kids had so much fun, and it was great to see them enjoying the day so much.

Bits and pieces of ramblings from my head, and other blogs I may never write.

(DISCLAIMER READ ME FIRST: Any negative comments posted on certain subjects in this particular blog will be deleted)



1.) The kids are taking turns being sick, they were nice enough to do this while I was sick - to distract me
      from my own sickness I'm sure?
2.) Alhanna's birthday party was last Saturday, one person was nice enough to rsvp and show up.
     More then a little disappointing but a lot of fun regardless.
3.) Michael won his first soccer game on Saturday, he's telling anyone that will listen. He makes my heart
     smile!
4.) I'm gearing up to be one of those super busy soccer mom types. Michael in Soccer, Alhanna is going
      to be signing up for dance, and Logan will sign up for something at the YMCA (or maybe also do
     dance for a bit!) until the next round of ice skating lessons start (gotta get him ready for hockey!).
5.) Brendan came to visit the kids yesterday, once Alhanna warmed up she enjoyed it. Michael was, as
      always very excited about the entire thing. I wish he'd visit them more, they need it.
6.) I need a car... I need a car... I need a car.... I was going to buy one today but the woman is being
      flip floppy and isn't sure she wants to sell it now so, I'm not buying her damn car!
7.) For a country that claims to be "land of the free" we sure do have a lot of laws restricting our
      personal freedoms, and yet no one wants the laws that would enhance our freedoms and basic
      rights (such as health care for all, equal educational opportunities for all, equal opportunities for life
      in general to all). We live in an ass backwards society and it's actually a pretty scary place at times.
8.) The US, a land I love and grew up in, is heading for a scary place. I'm actually surprised with all the
      fear mongering fox news does that Obama has survived this much of his presidency, his secret  
      service must be very busy keeping him alive (thankfully). Between the republicans, deomocrats, tea
      parties, and people who are just sick of them ALL, things are really going to start to get ugly. It's a 
      fight of maintaining the status quo of typical, hate filled, religious bible thumping, ancient minded
      America vs the moving forward, changing, evolving, accepting America and I think it's going to get
      a lot uglier before it gets better.
 9.)  I need to write a blog about the women hating culture that surrounds us, I just haven't gotten around
       to it yet... someday though... someday I will!
10.) Last night my 8 year old asked me a question I was totally unprepared for. He asked me what sex
        is, and I realized I was wholly and completely unprepared for this question, I evaded and promised
        to talk about it at a later date. I then googled something along the lines of "talking to your kids about
        sex"... at which point I was informed by both planned parenthood and parenting.com that I am a
        slacker mom! I think I'll write an entire blog on that subject too...
11.) I really want this camera , in fact I might even be willing to beat someone up for it! Okay not really,
       but I'd like to take some photography classes next year and that is the camera I want to have when
       I do.
12.) I'm incapable of putting foundation on the left side of my face without doing the right side at the same
        time, yes I know it's weird but I noticed it this morning.
13.) I'm closer to 30 then I am to 20, I realized this the other day and I'm not really sure when that
        happened! Well, I guess logically it happened the year I turned 25 (that is after all when numbers
        start rounding up not down), but I just don't know where the last 8 years went!
14.) I'm not really sure I actually have a number fourteen but I don't like the number thirteen so.. there it is!

Lost in thought... lost thoughts?

  I'm not really sure where the last week or so went since I last wrote in here. I always mean to take the time to write at night but... good intentions don't always work out exactly as planned. This last week has been pretty busy, Michael had his first soccer game on Saturday and that was pretty good. He scored two outta three goals and was really proud of himself (as well he should be!). His grandparents from Tampa came down for the game which was a nice little surprise for him, and we went to lunch after at Applebee's.
 Now, this is a restaurant I have always enjoyed, but don't think I'll be going back to for some time. I'm not sure that I've mentioned before but, I'm spending a year as a vegetarian. The reasons behind it are a blog all their own, but it boils down to a challenge to myself and reducing my footprint on this world. Anyways, going out to eat as a vegetarian hasn't been an issue yet, most restaurants have a lot of vegetarian friendly options (even just the ability to substitute a veggie burger patty in the burgers). I've never had a problem finding something to eat, that said... Applebee's has no options for vegetarians (aside from like.. a basic garden salad). Needless to say, I was very dissapointed!
  Sunday was a relax day, we didn't do much of anything. I went to Target and got invitations for Alhanna's party. She's having a little Halloween themed birthday party. I'm a little worried because there are only 6 girls in Alhanna's class, and I doubt they will all come so... I think this is going to end up being a pretty tiny possibly slightly lame party for her. I just want it to be perfect. She's already feeling down about her birthday, all she wants is to have Christopher around for her birthday/party/Halloween and it's hard on her that she doesn't get that. As far away as January seems for me, it feels even longer for her.
  Speaking of missing Christopher, Michael doesn't talk about it much but I can tell he's really missing him too. I'm worried about the effect that internalizing all his emotions is having on Michael. I try and get him to talk to me a little bit at least. It's not easy though because he's a boy and has apparently already taught himself to keep his feelings on the inside. His grades at school are not great, and this isn't normal for Michael. He's not giving his school work all of his attention, he's rushing through work, and not paying attention to what's being asked of him. I know my son well enough to know that this all has to do with missing Chris. He bottles up how he's feeling, and it messes with his attention/focus because that's whats on his mind a lot. So, I have to figure out how to help him through that and get his grades back up.

... So I started writing this yesterday, then got hit with a killer migraine and stopped. Now I've lost my train of thought so I guess that's it for this very stellar /sarcasm\ blog!

Measure your life in love

   Recently I watched a debate on the topic of open relationships vs closed relationships. I can see, understand, and respect the feelings and opinions on both sides of this debate. I take no issues with opened or closed relationships personally. A few things about this discussion really got me thinking, one thing I noticed was, both sides of a debate claiming to be open minded while closing their minds to the other side of the debate. To me that shows how much we still have to learn. As a society we frown upon things that are different then the cultural norm. Gay marriages are wrong, women having sex with multiple men are sluts, men having sex with multiple women are awesome, a woman in open relationship is promiscuous, not to long ago interracial relationships could be included in this list, not to long ago women working instead of staying home to be good little house wives could be included in this list, not to long ago.. a lot of things could be included in this list. Humans are still a young species, we're still growing, we're still evolving.
   However, in order to continue to evolve, continue to grow, we need to step away from the things we are programmed to think are acceptable, step away from the "values" we are taught, away from the religiously charged superior "morals" that are instilled upon us from a young age and take a good hard look around us. We are taught as young children that our parents have so much love to go around, it can reach out and hug us, as well as any siblings we may have, any cousins we have, our grandparents, our aunts/uncles etc etc. Then as we grow older we are taught that that is one kind of love, that the other love, the love we offer to our boyfriend/girlfriend/alien lover/whatever is only big enough for one person. We are taught an idea that goes against basic logic, that goes against what we are born feeling. We are taught that love, amazing, infinite in possibilities, the most abundant resource we have at our fingertips, is finite. That it has a limit, that it can only go so far and can only do so much. We are taught to think the opposite, not only of the truth, but opposite of what is born into us. We are born with the potential to love all and taught that is wrong. We are taught that the love that is given to us by a person is measured in whether or not it is only given to use. We are taught that the only possible way someone could love us is if they love no one else. We are taught that love belongs only to one man and one woman. We have (mostly) evolved at least to accept that love doesn't see skin color or nationality, but can't accept that it doesn't see gender? We are taught that there is a right kind of love and a wrong kind, we are taught what I like to call selfish love.
   We are taught to put ourselves and our desires before that of anyone else. The idea of "out of sight, out of mind" is so drilled into us that it becomes second nature. Women are persecuted and STONED to death for an affair, we barely blink. Women are treated as property of their husbands, we don't blink. Natural disasters devastate the world (and even in our "own" country) and we don't blink. It isn't happening to us, it isn't in our backyard, it isn't in front of our face or in our line of sight, so it doesn't exist. Until it is in our backyard, until it is happening to us, until it is in our face. It's time that people open their eyes and look around, it's time that we see that the things that happen other places can (and in some cases do) happen here. We aren't Americans, we aren't French, we aren't Russian, Chinese, or Mexican, we aren't the lines that have been drawn on the globe separating us into different countries. We are humans, one people, filled with one love. Everyone has the basic human RIGHT to be loved, to be accepted, to be allowed to live a life filled with their happiness and able to love who they want, how they want. Every person, that is human right, that is the only thing that truly matters in this life. The love we have and the love we give freely. To be a truly open minded, evolved people, we'll have to realize that our way is not the only way.


 Love, compassion, understanding, and respect - these things make the world go round, now if only we could all accept that.

"Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace"
   Imagine - John Lennon

"
All of your cars and all your money and every victory you claim-
You can’t take them with you when you go.
So call me a saint. call me a sinner, but I will stand and be delivered
To the one thing- the only thing I know that I know for sure and it’s love 
 ...
It’s about hope and faith in compassion and dignity.
It’s about one man to another, like all men are brothers and this whole world- it is our home.
And if we’re stuck here together, maybe we can make it better- if we don’t try, we’ll never know."
    Love - Third Wheel Tuesday

A field of Memories

     Isn't it funny how the smallest things can take you back, to a moment, to a memory, to a field of dreams you once had.
    There are certain songs that in an instant teleport me to different times in my life. Ridiculous songs from the early ninety's such as "C'mon N' Ride it (The Train)" by Quad City DJ , or Cotton Eye Joe  can take me back to the first dance I ever attended. Reminding me how nervous I was walking in, not sure where my friends were, and everyone was doing the dance to C'mon N' Ride it. Some random person grabbed my hand and pulled me in and there I was, dancing my first "dance" at my first official dance. Through out my middle school years Sarah, Kyleigh, and occasionally a few other people went to so many of these dances at the Tringali Center. There was a lot of fun, a lot of ridiculous dancing, and of course a lot of boys. I can listen to these songs now and look back and laugh at how silly we were as young pre-teen girls, but remember fondly all the fun we had. Later, once we'd out grown really GOING to the dances, we worked them for community service through the Jay-Teens program and that is a whole other chapter of my life that I remember fondly. Those of course are not the only memory provoking songs, any pop-female song from the 80's such as "Girls Just Want to Have Fun" by Cindi Lauper, can take me into many car rides with Sarah in which we blared our 80-mix fun CD's. Or "Count On Me" by Default, the first song Chris ever told me made him think of me. Not your typical "love" song but it's our song, and I can't hear it without smiling at the memories it brings me. Christina Aguilera's "Fighter" has always been my go to song when I needed to be reminded that I am strong enough to get through the things life has thrown at me. During a time when I have been worried about losing my grandparents, and also thinking to the grandparents I have already lost Miranda Lambert's The House that Built Me and FM Static's "Tonight" remind me of the support I was given growing up by my amazing grandparents (on my dads side), and though I didn't appreciate how great a loss it was to my life when my moms parents passed away.. I am reminded of the things my grandma did with my brother and I, the ways she tried to bring us little bits of happiness she never gave to my mom. The point is, the power of song is amazing. The memories it can remind you of, the feelings it can provoke, the thoughts it can make you think, it's all just.. powerful. Music is the language of love, the language of our souls, the thing that connects across any language barrier.

 Music isn't the only thing that can take you, or well more specifically me, back and remind us of things from our past. There are pictures that speak a thousand words, and with one look can bring back entire chunks of my life. Smells that in an instant make me feel as if my grandma, who admittedly I wasn't even that close to, is right here next to me. Or a smell that can make me feel like I've come home. So many things, that when we slow down, allow ourselves to be present in the here and now and not so focused on the future, can remind us of where we've been and how we've gotten just where we are.

Early morning rants

   I'd like to start out by saying I am not a morning person. I've been a mom for eight years, eight years of a lack of sleep, of getting up early, of staying up late and trying to survive on 4-5 hours sleep, eight years of really never sleeping in. Eight years of motherhood, and I am still not a morning person. I hate going to sleep at night because it's my sanity time to myself, but I once I fall asleep I love sleep and do not want to get up. Up until this year it hasn't been so bad, last year I could sleep until 8 before I had to get up and take care of getting the kids ready for school. This year? I have to get up at 6:15, 6:15! They have to be out at the bus by 7:10 and it sucks. Every morning is a fight with the snooze button. That said, I think the only thing worse then having to get up at 6:15 is getting up late, or getting up on time and still ending up with a chaotic morning.
   There's really nothing worse then getting up at 6:45 and realizing I have to feed the kids, pack lunches, get them dressed, brush hair, brush teeth, make sure their backpacks are put together right... all in about 30 minutes. It takes them 15 at least just to eat and the whole morning ends up feeling rushed. Not good for them or me! This morning we learned that even if we get up on time, our morning can still suck. This morning we get up, we get ready, we get out to the bus stop a few minutes early, and then we wait. Oh, and then we wait some more... about thirty minutes more. When the bus was ten minutes late I called the department of transportation to ask where it was, they said "Oh it's running about 7-8 minutes behind". So I hang up figuring okay, it's only been about ten minutes and they say it's on the way. Another ten minutes go by, nothing. Another ten minutes go by, nothing. Finally about thirtyish minutes after it should have been there, it pulls up. I, in a slightly annoyed tone, say hello to the bus driver (not their normal driver). The driver then informs me their bus stop was FORGOTTEN. Their normal bus driver was running 7-8 minutes late but I guess in the chaos of running late she ended up just skipping their stop. So at 7:45 the kids got a private bus ride to school. I'm so frustrated about it though!
    While I'm on the topic of disorganized organizations... let me just give a little rant about Michael's soccer team/coach. This years soccer is Michael's first real experience with organized sports. He had his first practice two weeks ago, on a Friday. For some reason his coach asks the parents if the Friday practices work for them. ONE dad out of all the parents says no absolutely not, I need it to be on Wednesday no other day! So the coach says okay practice next week will be on Wednesday. Apparently he had no right to do this, and didn't feel like even letting the parents know there wouldn't be practice on Wednesday last week. Michael arrived at practice last Wednesday, along with 4-5 other kids on his team, to find no coach. No coach, the coaches neighbor who is also on the team was no there, and the dad that demanded Wednesday practices was not there. Discussions with the other coaches showed that he shouldn't have changed the practice time/day. So, I was furious, this is my sons first organized sports experience and my $70 they're screwing with after all! I made a few phone calls and couldn't connect with anyone but I left his coach an angry voice mail. Friday morning I received a phone call from the people who run the soccer league, they called to cancel a Friday practice I didn't even know existed and let me know that the schedules were being redone on Monday... it's Thursday, no one has bothered to let me know if Michael's practice has changed at all. So tomorrow at 5:30 Michael will be going to soccer practice, and if his coach is not there... I am going to go demand my money back remove Michael from this soccer program. They better not ruin this experience for him!
 

/End early morning rants

Creative Creativeness

  I'm naturally a very creatively driven person. If I go too long without writing, sketching (not very well I might add), taking some pictures and having fun with editing, or just SOMETHING I start to feel... I don't know I guess panicky I guess is the best way to put it. My stress levels go through the roof, I get testy and hard(er) to be around, and generally just feel as though the entire world might just collapse on top of me. It doesn't care if some of my creative adventures are ... mediocre at best (IE: anything I attempt to draw) I just enjoy doing it. It's the focusing on whatever I'm doing that helps, the knowledge that fantastic or not I'm creating something. I've been feeling like that a lot lately, so I went and downloaded a new trial of cs5 and have been playing with that.

 My eyes are pretty creepertastic in that last picture, but it was fun making it haha. The one of Logan, after a long time of using photoshop I finally figured out how to blur the background nicely - yay me. Anyways, so that's what I spent yesterday doing. Now bear is awake and looking for breakfast so, I better go get that!

I hate my hair and other ramblings

 `1. I hate the frizzy, dull, mess that sits upon my head so much right now.
  2. Alhanna is sick, she never gets sick and she's so emo when she is that it's incredibly sad!
  3. Logan gave me a brilliant (or so I think) idea for a children's book today. Maybe I will see
      what can come of this idea.
  4. It's raining out, and instead of being able to go outside and take a few pictures like I'd like to be
      doing, I'm stuck sitting inside waiting for Logan to sleep.
  5. Sad but true: Roughly 60% of dogs in the Charlote County Humane Society shelter are at least
      part pit. Sadder? I'd say most of them will probably not make it out of that shelter.
  6. Today on the bus I listened in while two men discussed 9/11 conspiracy theories and how JFK
      was murdered because he wanted to do away with paper based money and create a gold based
      system. Sketchy drunk men have the best conversations.
  7. Sometimes I wish I liked coffee, coffee based drinks at starbucks always look so tasty. I also wish
      I liked wine more, because going on a wine tasting tour seems like it could be very fun and romantic.
  8. I've come to realize that this state I love so much... actually really sucks. The people here are meh,
      the state itself is meh, great to visit not great to live. I love being with my family but other then that, I
      can't wait to go home.
  9. A year away from someone is, in theory, not so long at all. In practice, it's an extremely long time.
10. I have to wonder if the definition of politician has always been "someone who cares more about
      themself and their agenda then the people they work for (aka all of us)" or if that's something
      relatively new.
11. I can't understand why a message of love and acceptance is so scary to so many people. Why
      is the idea of living life in peace with one and other, accepting our differences whatever they may
      be, considered idealistic and impossible? The gay dude living at the end of the street with the love of
      his life isn't actually at all threatening to you, so why do you think it is? < one example in a sea of many.
12. Thinks there is something wrong in a country that can't, or wont, realize that an entire huge section of
       their population is becoming extinct. As the rich get richer, and the poor get poorer, the middle class
       begins to disappear. A rift this big is sure to end badly.
13. I want a new tattoo, it's been awhile and I've been thinking about it a lot lately. I actually want a few    
      but I think I want my anklet first, with charms for my grandparents on it.
14. If I don't find something creative to do soon, to get out all this pent up.. whatever inside me... out I
      think I might explode.
15. Dallas finally won a game tonight. Wewt.

“When you are describing,
A shape, or sound, or tint;
Don’t state the matter plainly,
But put it in a hint;
And learn to look at all things,
With a sort of mental squint.”
–Lewis Carroll

and they grow and grow

 My little princess pictured above.. or to the right, I'm really hot sure where it's going to end up when this is posted, anyways.... my little princess is going to be six in a week! SIX. I just don't know how that happened. She is growing into an amazing, loving, dramatic, creative, beautiful girl and I cherish every single moment I have with her. She brings joy to my life every single day. It's amazing how fast life can go by when we aren't paying attention. It seems like just yesterday I was bringing her home, or she was rolling over or learning to walk. It seems like just yesterday she was saying her first words, and now she's learning to read words and write words. It seems like just yesterday I was teaching her to sing her abc's and now she's singing Justin Bieber and many other things. I'm in awe of her, and her brothers, and the amazing little people they have become when I wasn't looking!

 

Bucket List

After .. a lot of hours of work, I have created my bucket list. Sure to change over time or have things I'd like to add. I'd be thrilled to do even 1/2 of these things ever!

1. Write a meaningful song that touches people
2. Design the cover art for the album of some musical genius
3. Travel across the United States and Canada via a RV, seeing all the amazing sights to be seen
4. Travel all over Europe: Namely Greece, Ireland, Italy, England, and possibly France and Spain
5. Come up with a creative angle for my photography (as well as taking classes to enhance my skills) to turn my hobby into a career
6. Pictures tell a story that words alone can not - have at least one free lance photo journalist job under my hat
7. Positively change the world, even if it's just in some small way that makes a difference
8. Go to the International Film Festival in Toronto
9. See Linkin Park, Jack Johnson, Kate Voegele, Mariana's Trench, John Mayer, Third wheel Tuesday... and so many others in Concert.
10. Attend crazy awesome musical festivals showcasing different kinds of music all over the country
11. Publish a book of poetry
12. Publish a children's book
13. Own a car that is completely fuel free
14. Live in a green home (not.. green the color but earth friendly)
15. Go back to college, not for really any thing in particular.. I just love taking classes and learning things.
16. Own a professional level camera
17. Own an iPad, it's a ridic name but I love them anyways
18. Have an entire large room in my house I can turn into a library
19. Meet my best friend Emma, this is such a given it probably doesn't even need to be bucket listed but I'm doing it anyways because it's that important to me!
20. Go to Carnival at Rio De Janeiro
21. Learn to belly dance
22. Go scuba diving
23. Learn to rollerskate backwards
24. Learn to snowboard
25. Get over my fear of boats with an extended sailing trip
26. ... Learn to sail
27. Learn to not only speak, but also read and write Japanese
28. Become fluent in French
29. Reacquaint myself with the Saxophone
30. Learn at least two other instruments (Piano, drums, and or guitar?)
31. Turn my basement (in my future home) into a home theatre and stalk the floor to ceiling shelves with movies.
32. Learn to surf
33. Jump off a cliff into the water or alternatively, use a robe to swing off into the water .It always looks so fun on tv.
34. Ride a mechanical bull
35. See several musicals on broadway
36. Meet the Dalai Lama
37. Spend a year as a vegetarian
38. Be in Times Square on New Year's Eve
39. Visit the great wall of China
40. Swim with dolphins
41. Meet the few close friends I have met via the interwebs
42. Become a foster parent
43. Donate regularly to a charity providing to needy children aorund the world
44. Get a tattoo done by Kat
45. Go snorkeling in a shipwreck
46. Go swimming in the worlds largest swimming pool in Chile
47. Own a not for profit therapy horse farm
48. Go to Oktoberfest in Germany
49. Take pottery classes
50. Build a house with Habitat for Humanity
51. Join a Big Brother/Big Sister program
52. Spend a week at a 5 star spa in Sweden
53. Go whale watching
54. Watch turtles hatch and run for the ocean
55. Visit Tibet
56. Go to the opera
57. See the winter and summer olympics
58. Try fencing
59. Go rock climbing
60. Go parasailing
61. Find the money to help under privileged struggling people get back on their feet
62. Deliver art supplies to kids in schools in developing countries
63. Travel to and photograph all of the things on the:  medieval world wonders, ancient world wonders, and modern world wonders lists.  (and any other wonders list I deem interesting enough!)
64. Live in another country for a year
65. Spend a week in Montreal with Christopher, and see a hockey game
66. Get married where my grandparents can be in attendance (okay I said I wasn't going to include these things but I have to include this one!)
67. Move free and clear of any issues to Canada and live happily ever after
68. Own the coffee house of my dreams: coffee house in front, with a stage for poetry readings, musicians, and the likes and a small new age shop in the back
69. Learn the art of hairdressing (cutting, styling, it's an art form all it's own!)
70.  Also learn the art of nail designing amazingness
80. Ride the train from Stockholm to Kiruna
90. Ride the Palace on Wheels through India
91. Take a ride on the Eastern and Oriental Express through Asia
92. Ride the Blue Train through South Africa
93. Go for a ride on the Staten Island Ferry
94. Visit the statue of liberty and many other monuments around the US
95. Tour through Chicago on the Trolley/Double Decker bus tour
96. Take Michael to see the World cup
97. Face my fear of heights in Vancouver at the Capilano Suspension Bridge
98. Visit Disney's Animal Kingdom
99. See the Angel Oak tree in SC and take pictures of the kids on it
100. Take Alhanna to the Ballet in NYC

What's on YOUR bucket list?

Little lies I tell myself

1.) I don't mind riding the bus. I tell myself this so often I almost think I believe it. It's better for the environment, one less car on the road, don't have to pay for gas, the stop isn't far away and promotes good health with walking to it! It goes on and on, but the truth is I hate riding the bus. I mean some days I don't mind, it's right there. However, I have lost the basic ability to just run to the store and come back. Every trip out takes at least an hour, and if I want to go more then one place I'm looking at at least two hours. It's just annoying. Not to mention, I haven't been able to take Michael to his soccer practices at all, someone else has had to take him. The bus doesn't happen to go down to the field late enough so I can't go. I have an appointment with Michael's teacher tomorrow morning at 10:10, the bus running there only goes by at 8:40 or 10:40... so I had to arrange a ride. I hate not having a car, and I hate having my life run by a bus schedule.

2.) I'm happy and doing great with being 120000 miles away from Chris. The truth? I'm terrible. It's hard, it's exhausting, it's like being a single mom all over again but without having to financially worry about them myself. From 6am until midnight I'm on go. I get up, I get the kids ready for school, I take them to the bus stop and come back to find Logan up and waiting for his breakfast and then I'm his all day. Get the kids at 3, do homework, make dinner, do bath time, read stories, get them to bed... finally get some me time around 9... it's just an exhausting day all day every day. I'm used to having my partner in crime, the person I share my life with, the person who supports me and loves me and knows pretty instinctively when I need him to take over... I'm used to having him right there with me. Not having him, is a lot harder then I let on. Sleeping alone in bed is hard. Not hugging him or kissing him is hard. The strain it puts on our relationship is hard. It's all just... hard. Worth it at the end? Yeah, it is. Easy to get through even knowing that? Not at all.


So, that's only two and I know there's more but right now I'm tired and I need to sleep. I'll think more and perhaps do a round2 of this topic. In the mean time...

 What lies do YOU tell yourself?

It's my life

Hello blogger world!

  This is my first blog around here, and I'll take a minute to introduce the players in the story I shall be sharing. The story, being about my life of course, takes place at the moment in Florida. Though that will change in the future. Some key players would be my children, Logan (3), Alhanna (5), and Michael (8). They are the subjects of many a story I feel the need to share! Then there is my fiance Christopher, his name will come up often I'm sure. Other names will come up but that's fine for now.

  The current setting in my life is, as I mentioned, Florida. I am down here for one year taking care of some things. I'm staying with my dad while I'm down, the kids are attending school, and I'm getting some things straightened out. Being away from my fiance is hard, he is left up in Canada to work and continue providing for our life. We haven't seen him since the first week of August, we miss him an incredible amount. I'm sure I'll delve more into those things at some point, but that's a basic "it's my life" for now.

  Writing is my outlet, writing, photography and music are my sanity. This blog is my outlet, especially for the next year of my life when I'll be in serious need of sanity. I have a lot of opinions, a lot of thoughts and feelings, and I'll be sure to grace anyone that decides to read my blog with them, but mostly I'll be writing for myself. Because I need it. So, there's my intro and I know it's full of holes, but hey.. this blog will fill them in over time I'm sure.