So, I know I haven't written in awhile. The few people who read this know I've had quite a lot going on and I just haven't been able to sit down and put thoughts into words at all. Everything I want to say seems so bitter or jaded, and comes out one sided and unfair. So I've decided not to blog about the break up. Not directly anyways, not about the circumstances or the who did what, there's no fingers to be pointed or blame to be laid, we both made mistakes and it isn't about who made bigger mistakes or more mistakes. I am going to write about a few things I've been thinking on, that probably came to me due in large part to the break up and any slight bitterness I may or may not (okay am) feeling.
First of all, I was thinking last night on something that I think we hear a lot. A small statement that is seriously over used and misunderstood in my opinion. What statement you ask? "I would never intentionally hurt you" or "My intentions were good.." or other statements involving ones "intentions" and how they've gone wrong. I have a few problems with these things. First of all, intent is defined as a purpose or anticipated outcome of ones actions. So it comes to mind that when you are intending to do something you are generally thinking about what you want to do, how you want it to pan out, what you want the end result to be, see a pattern here? you you you. When someone says "I never intended to hurt you" it's often said after something incredibly insensitive and not thought out has occurred, so the real question here is.. what did you intend? How often are these statements -genuinley- made? How often is it said after someone actually stops and puts thought into their plan of action, stops and thinks about how what they do will affect the people around them? I'm no scientist, there isn't any numbers or facts to back this up, but I would be willing to put money on the fact that more often then not this statement is made after a rash, spur of the moment decision was made - not after someone actually thought about what they were doing. So, in a way you're right - your intentions weren't to hurt a person, because you never really thought about what your intentions were. A more accurate statement would be "I didn't stop to think about how it would affect anyone" I realize that all sounds a little jaded, but I still stand by it. In order to be able to say you never intended to do something, or that you wouldn't intentionally do something, you have to be willing to actually think through intentions.
Another saying that I find to be fairly annoying right now ... "It is better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all". I have to wonder if the person who said that has ever actually had their heart broken. I would never wish to take back the last 5 years of my life, I would never call them a mistake, I would never call loving him a mistake, or wish that I hadn't happened. That said however, this feeling.. this empty pit in the bottom of my stomach, this almost constant feeling like I'm stuck at the bottom of a giant lake of depression, the putting a smile on my face everyday and pretending I'm okay, the feeling like a 600lb man is sitting on my chest and I just can't breath, the thoughts of "huh, this must be what detox is like" and comparing love to drugs, all of it and the stabbing pains I randomly feel inside me when I realize my life isn't what I thought it would be... I'm not really sure it's better to have loved and lost and end up feeling like this - then to have never really known what love felt like. When you're in love you fly so high, you think you can touch the sky, you see the world through these ... everything is so grand and amazing rose colored glasses. Then when you lose that love, when you make a mistake and you fall from the pedestal that you were placed on, when someone realizes you're fallible and you're going to make mistakes, and they take their love away from you.. you crash hard and fast to the ground. It's like falling from the sun to the earths surface. Your body is left feeling broken, your heart feels like it's in a very strong mans death grip, and you just don't even see any light at the end of it all. It's a shitty sucky feeling, and I don't think that the person who said "it's better to have loved and lost..." .. had ever really felt what love detox feels like.
I spend so a lot of time wishing things were different, wishing we could go back, I wish on stars, I wish at 11:11, I wish on every superstitious teenage wish making thing there is in existence that this reality wasn't my reality, but nothing is going to take me back before it all happened, nothing is going to change how things are now, and nothing is going to change the things we've done. So I'm left, fighting the bitter, fighting the jaded, and trying to accept that sometimes.. sometimes maybe the universe knows better then I do. That maybe there's a reason some wishes don't come true. Trying to remember that this isn't the end, just a new beginning.
