Thursday, September 20, 2012
A Blog of a Different Colour
Now that I'm done ranting... I'd just like to say I love my crazy life. I have been head over heels in love with the same man for almost seven years. As most of my readers know, this love hasn't always come easy. It hasn't always been something I could even talk about. There was a time where my life was blown apart, and I didn't think I'd be able to ever say out loud to him again "I love you." I went through a lot of misery before I realized, I'm going to keep loving him and that's okay. So that's what I did. For almost two years of not being together, I lived my life. I went out, I worked, I had a life, and I nurtured my friendship with the father of my babies. We rebuilt from the ground up with trust, friendship, and more love than I could ever have imagined... from thousands of miles apart.
I can honestly say, there were times where I thought all we would have was that friendship. I was okay with that. He was (and is) my very best friend. He knows me better than anyone else in this world. He knows when I need to be nurtured and hugged, and he knows when I need a verbal slap across the face so to speak. He knows me, he gets me, he loves me. He knows my moods without me even really saying anything. He knows how to make me smile when all I want to do is cry. He is my soul mate. No one has ever touched me the way he has, and if friendship was all we would ever have.. I could have been completely content with that. That wasn't going to be the case though, and I'm a lot more content with that.
Let me try and start somewhere that makes sense...
Two years ago I had to come back to Florida to take care of some things. To be honest, the decision was made hastily and for the wrong reasons. It lead to a lot of problems we were having coming to light and being all we could focus on. So he stepped back and said, we can't do this anymore. We have to stop this. It hurt, a lot. I didn't know what to do or where to turn. For so long I had let my life revolve around him and us, that was part of the problem. This thing that I viewed as such a horrible event, ended up being the best thing that could have happened for me and for us.
Eventually I picked myself off of my tear soaked bed, I got a job, I started finding things to occupy myself. I found myself. The me I'd lost somewhere along the lines. The friend he had fallen in love with. I found myself, and I grew myself. I've already written about all of that somewhere else, but it's worth repeating this... if you do not love yourself, you can not love someone else or expect someone else to love you. Loving yourself is the key. I found that key and I'll never lose it again. I wasn't the only one journeying either, he went on a journey of his own. There were things he needed to deal with and explore, and he did that. I walked by his side along the way, quiet and subtle, but always there if he needed me. He did the same for me, repaying that favour was only fair. I never intruded on his life, but we slowly rebuilt trust and friendship. I never made secret of my feelings, we didn't play games with each other, we just... walked and talked (metaphorically not literally). I think it's fair to say, we were walking along two roads that were close enough for us to rebuild, but not so close that we were shoving each other off the road. As we walked, the roads grew closer together .. until we came to a point where we had the choice to continue together or alone.
We chose together. He chose together first. He took my hand and said walk with me. How could I say no? A lot of people won't understand. A lot of people may question what we're doing. A lot of people don't get unconditional love. I'm not wearing rose coloured glasses, I see him and he sees me. You have to see to love, and god do I ever love. This man, my best friend, my future husband, my soulmate, the father, he is amazing. Not despite anything, but because of everything. He is amazing. Not perfect, but certainly perfect for me. I am blessed. I am in love. The road we're on now, it will be bumpy, it won't always be smooth sailing, but I don't care, because I will have my arms wrapped around him, and he will have his arms wrapped around me.. and together, we will weather any storm and conquer any bumpy road.
My only complaint is that I can't find a mountain tall enough to shout my love from, so that everyone can hear. I guess facebook will do, eventually.
A rant at Large
WARNING: This is probably full of spelling errors, grammatical errors, run ons, paragraphs that should be separated... I don't care. This is my rant, not a professional piece of writing.
We are all allowed to have our opinions, we are all allowed to freely share those opinions, but in an age where information is at your fingertips... don't you think you should check a fact or two before spreading bull shit all over the internet?? Educated free speech would do a lot less damage. Perhaps you should also try compassionate free speech. Oh and maybe before really using that free speech, you should remember basic things we're taught in kindergarten. Like, treating others how you want to be treated. Don't sit there and insult people, beliefs, whatever, and then sit back and be surprised when someone takes issue. Don't hide behind your 'free speech'. Free speech is not a shield for saying whatever stupid shit you want to say.
Where the hell did common courtesy go? Where did RESPECT go? Respect for ourselves, respect for others, respect for this planet and ALL of it's inhabitants. It's really no wonder so much of the world hate's America. We're completely clueless, and what's worse it's by choice. Most Americans have access ot the internet, most Americans have free information at their fingertips, most Americans chose not to use that information.
Here are a few simple thoughts I have to get out before I explode:
1. Your religion gets to tell you what to do, it doesn't get to tell me what to do. I respect that, so should you.
2. Religion has no place in law, in a country that was built on separation of church and state and ESCAPING religious persecution.
3. Stop saying you're tolerant and tolerate other people and their differences. A pretty smart friend of mine recently said, saying you tolerate someone is a bit condescending and you're basically saying "I know I'm right, but I'll allow you to continue thinking what you think." Here's an idea, instead of tolerance try acceptance. Accept that everyone is different, welcome to their beliefs and opinions, and just leave it at that. It doesn't hurt you if Bob over there thinks Jesus was born to a virgin, and you don't.
4. Before you vote, check your facts. Do not vote based on campaign ads, do not vote based on pictures floating around the internet of he said she said bull shit. Non-Bias information can be really hard to find, but it IS out there. Find it. Educate. Vote.
5. Small government vs big government, it's all bull shit. It's like this, the guy up top with the ideas and the money creates the jobs. He hires people to help him run the company he's starting. They then hire people to do build the company. Then they hire people to keep the company running. This is like a card tower, if you remove one person from the equation, it will all come tumbling down. This means that everyone, from the innovator at the top, the the janitor at the bottom, are equally important. They are all doing their part to keep the business running. So why is the janitor expected to live on peanuts while the innovator lives on caviar? We're all putting into the system, the system needs to be giving back to ALL of us. Taxes and health care should all be on a sliding scale. A set scale of you pay what you can afford to pay. Not you find every tax loop hole you can, get the best health care, and the little guy gets pretty much nothing. Trickle down economics doesn't work. It hasn't worked. We need a change. We need to stop killing the middle class. Everyone should have the chance at a good education. Everyone should be able to see a doctor without fear. Everyone should do their part to pay their taxes. Everyone should have a system that helps keep them from falling when they hit hard times. I'm sure you're thinking, "okay now let's all join hands around the campfire and sing kumbaya". Well you know what, yes let's do just that. Let's all realize that we are all tiny little parts that make up the whole, and start treating each other as such.
6. Treat others how you want to be treated is the most important lesson you ever learned in school. That and the way the buddy system works. Maybe politicians and all the people at each others throats over repub vs democrat or christian vs... everyone else... should all go back to kindergarten and relearn this lesson.
7. My uterus and ovaries are in my body, stop trying to tell me what to do with them. I'm pretty sure this falls under one of my other points, about your religion telling me what to do. However, all of you super far right conservative tea party republicans and your "Small Government, except in every womans uterus" need to understand this... I get to decide what I do with my body, not you or anyone else. You don't get to limit my birth control options, you don't get to make it harder and more expensive for me to access, and you don't get to tell me that I HAVE to continue to be pregnant should one of my forms of birth control fail, or god forbid, I get raped. I don't feel like I should have to tattoo "property of MYSELF" on my reproductive organs just to remind you that they do in fact, belong to me.
8. Was there an 8? Oh yea, there was I remember now. Why, in 2012, when so many other major countries are over this issue, is "gay rights" still something we're talking about? Because religion runs America. See how all these issues tie back to, keep religion out of politics? As long as they can control who you love, who you can marry, who is fit to raise children, whether or not a woman can control her own uterus, who gets health coverage, and a couple other key factors... republicans are ALL for small government. Totally makes sense. Men love men. Women love Women. Sometimes, a man or woman born as one gender identifies more with the other and goes through some changes. I'm sorry, how the fuck does that effect you? Stop worrying that 'the gay' is contagious and get over yourself. If you are so insecure in your own sexuality that you think seeing two dudes kissing or holding hands is suddenly going to make you gay too, well that's your own personal issue you might want to investigate. As for the 'institute of marriage'... don't even get me started. It's such an archaic out of date thing, but legally it's necessary. Let's not sit here and pretend though, that marriage today is exactly what it was at it's beginnings. Women are no longer property. Women are no longer bought and sold for properties too a husband. If a women is raped, that man is no longer considered her husband. Men no longer take several wives, well most men anyways. No, the point behind marriage now is very simple. It is A: a way to stand up in front of your friends and family and say, I love this person. B: a legal piece of paper that says, if something happens to this person I get to be there and I get to have a say in what happens, because I know them best. No one can keep me out of that room. C:A great way to get gifts. Seriously though, why are we denying gay people the rights of straight people? How does allowing a man to be by the side of the love of his life, as he lays dying, effect your marriage at ALL? How does allowing two women to share in health insurance, effect your marriage AT ALL?? What does it teach our children? That love is love, whoever is feeling it. Get over it.
9. We're killing our planet. We have no respect for it. We have no respect for the other species living on it. Creating a more sustainable, healthy, cleaner world would be a lot easier than we make it seem. In this technological age, I think we have to, before it's too late. The earth can't continue to support the way we are living. Lower your carbon footprint, buy from companies that are lowering their carbon footprints, buy local when you can. Support renewable resource based companies. The more you support, the easier to access these things will become. Where there is a will, there is a way. Find the will, so we can all find the way to a cleaner earth for our kids and their kids... and so their kids, kids, have an earth to live on.
I guess my basic point here is really simple.. religion is not law, laws and freedoms are not a crutch, and if we spent 5 minutes treating someone else the way we expect to be treated... things could probably get a whole lot better real fast. Now go hold hands with strangers and make them sing kumbaya with you.
We are all allowed to have our opinions, we are all allowed to freely share those opinions, but in an age where information is at your fingertips... don't you think you should check a fact or two before spreading bull shit all over the internet?? Educated free speech would do a lot less damage. Perhaps you should also try compassionate free speech. Oh and maybe before really using that free speech, you should remember basic things we're taught in kindergarten. Like, treating others how you want to be treated. Don't sit there and insult people, beliefs, whatever, and then sit back and be surprised when someone takes issue. Don't hide behind your 'free speech'. Free speech is not a shield for saying whatever stupid shit you want to say.
Where the hell did common courtesy go? Where did RESPECT go? Respect for ourselves, respect for others, respect for this planet and ALL of it's inhabitants. It's really no wonder so much of the world hate's America. We're completely clueless, and what's worse it's by choice. Most Americans have access ot the internet, most Americans have free information at their fingertips, most Americans chose not to use that information.
Here are a few simple thoughts I have to get out before I explode:
1. Your religion gets to tell you what to do, it doesn't get to tell me what to do. I respect that, so should you.
2. Religion has no place in law, in a country that was built on separation of church and state and ESCAPING religious persecution.
3. Stop saying you're tolerant and tolerate other people and their differences. A pretty smart friend of mine recently said, saying you tolerate someone is a bit condescending and you're basically saying "I know I'm right, but I'll allow you to continue thinking what you think." Here's an idea, instead of tolerance try acceptance. Accept that everyone is different, welcome to their beliefs and opinions, and just leave it at that. It doesn't hurt you if Bob over there thinks Jesus was born to a virgin, and you don't.
4. Before you vote, check your facts. Do not vote based on campaign ads, do not vote based on pictures floating around the internet of he said she said bull shit. Non-Bias information can be really hard to find, but it IS out there. Find it. Educate. Vote.
5. Small government vs big government, it's all bull shit. It's like this, the guy up top with the ideas and the money creates the jobs. He hires people to help him run the company he's starting. They then hire people to do build the company. Then they hire people to keep the company running. This is like a card tower, if you remove one person from the equation, it will all come tumbling down. This means that everyone, from the innovator at the top, the the janitor at the bottom, are equally important. They are all doing their part to keep the business running. So why is the janitor expected to live on peanuts while the innovator lives on caviar? We're all putting into the system, the system needs to be giving back to ALL of us. Taxes and health care should all be on a sliding scale. A set scale of you pay what you can afford to pay. Not you find every tax loop hole you can, get the best health care, and the little guy gets pretty much nothing. Trickle down economics doesn't work. It hasn't worked. We need a change. We need to stop killing the middle class. Everyone should have the chance at a good education. Everyone should be able to see a doctor without fear. Everyone should do their part to pay their taxes. Everyone should have a system that helps keep them from falling when they hit hard times. I'm sure you're thinking, "okay now let's all join hands around the campfire and sing kumbaya". Well you know what, yes let's do just that. Let's all realize that we are all tiny little parts that make up the whole, and start treating each other as such.
6. Treat others how you want to be treated is the most important lesson you ever learned in school. That and the way the buddy system works. Maybe politicians and all the people at each others throats over repub vs democrat or christian vs... everyone else... should all go back to kindergarten and relearn this lesson.
7. My uterus and ovaries are in my body, stop trying to tell me what to do with them. I'm pretty sure this falls under one of my other points, about your religion telling me what to do. However, all of you super far right conservative tea party republicans and your "Small Government, except in every womans uterus" need to understand this... I get to decide what I do with my body, not you or anyone else. You don't get to limit my birth control options, you don't get to make it harder and more expensive for me to access, and you don't get to tell me that I HAVE to continue to be pregnant should one of my forms of birth control fail, or god forbid, I get raped. I don't feel like I should have to tattoo "property of MYSELF" on my reproductive organs just to remind you that they do in fact, belong to me.
8. Was there an 8? Oh yea, there was I remember now. Why, in 2012, when so many other major countries are over this issue, is "gay rights" still something we're talking about? Because religion runs America. See how all these issues tie back to, keep religion out of politics? As long as they can control who you love, who you can marry, who is fit to raise children, whether or not a woman can control her own uterus, who gets health coverage, and a couple other key factors... republicans are ALL for small government. Totally makes sense. Men love men. Women love Women. Sometimes, a man or woman born as one gender identifies more with the other and goes through some changes. I'm sorry, how the fuck does that effect you? Stop worrying that 'the gay' is contagious and get over yourself. If you are so insecure in your own sexuality that you think seeing two dudes kissing or holding hands is suddenly going to make you gay too, well that's your own personal issue you might want to investigate. As for the 'institute of marriage'... don't even get me started. It's such an archaic out of date thing, but legally it's necessary. Let's not sit here and pretend though, that marriage today is exactly what it was at it's beginnings. Women are no longer property. Women are no longer bought and sold for properties too a husband. If a women is raped, that man is no longer considered her husband. Men no longer take several wives, well most men anyways. No, the point behind marriage now is very simple. It is A: a way to stand up in front of your friends and family and say, I love this person. B: a legal piece of paper that says, if something happens to this person I get to be there and I get to have a say in what happens, because I know them best. No one can keep me out of that room. C:A great way to get gifts. Seriously though, why are we denying gay people the rights of straight people? How does allowing a man to be by the side of the love of his life, as he lays dying, effect your marriage at ALL? How does allowing two women to share in health insurance, effect your marriage AT ALL?? What does it teach our children? That love is love, whoever is feeling it. Get over it.
9. We're killing our planet. We have no respect for it. We have no respect for the other species living on it. Creating a more sustainable, healthy, cleaner world would be a lot easier than we make it seem. In this technological age, I think we have to, before it's too late. The earth can't continue to support the way we are living. Lower your carbon footprint, buy from companies that are lowering their carbon footprints, buy local when you can. Support renewable resource based companies. The more you support, the easier to access these things will become. Where there is a will, there is a way. Find the will, so we can all find the way to a cleaner earth for our kids and their kids... and so their kids, kids, have an earth to live on.
I guess my basic point here is really simple.. religion is not law, laws and freedoms are not a crutch, and if we spent 5 minutes treating someone else the way we expect to be treated... things could probably get a whole lot better real fast. Now go hold hands with strangers and make them sing kumbaya with you.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Listing lists and healthy living
Some random things that I love...
-The smell of fresh cut grass. I don't know why, but I always have. It just makes me smile.
-The smell of ocean. It's huge, it's beautiful, it's dangerous but cleansing. I love everything about the ocean. I was probably a mermaid in a previous life.
-The way I feel after a kick ass work out. Even if I feel like I want to die while doing it. Even if I bitch and whine and complain. I love the way it feels after. That triumphant, fuck yes I did this, feeling.
-Your name and the word boyfriend anywhere near it. I'm so in love with you and our life, it's ridiculous.
-My best friend Brittany, that's right I put her on my things I love list. I've never met her in person, but when I'm sad, when I'm happy, when I need someone to tell me exactly like it is.. she is there. I don't think my 'journey to a whole new me' could have happened with out her. B-Rizzle, you're a little piece of my heart floating around out there in Canada.
-Organization and lists. For a long time I felt like I had no control over my life. As part of my new lease on life, I have dove head first into being more organized. Part of that is creating lists, keeping a planner, organization at home. It's my way of having a little bit of control, I temper that with a free and open mind that realizes you can't organize or plan everything. Some things are out of your control, I just remind myself always that my REACTION and ACTIONS are in MY control.
Okay so, this last month or two has been very rocky as far as sticking to my healthy lifestyle goes. I haven't remained consistently active and I haven't consistently eaten well. That's okay though. I can't dwell on that. What's done is done, and I can't go back and undo it. Rome wasn't built in a day, and much like that one can not change habits over night. Brittany and I have become work out buddies. Obviously we can't actually work out together, but I've created a my fitness pal account and I will be talking to her regularly about her healthy choices as well as about my own. I will remain accountable by talking about it, and tracking it.
Last night I downloaded the 30 day shred work out, I'm going to be starting it tomorrow.. or maybe tonight, I haven't exactly decided yet. I'm excited about it. This morning I took the kids to school and then went to the park. I downloaded an app for my phone that does walk/run intervals and I spent 25 minutes at the park on the nature trails. 5 minutes of warm up walking, and then 5 each of 2 minute intervals of running/walking. Basically 5 minute warm up, 2 min run/2min walk, repeat 5 times. It might not seem like much, but to me it was a victory. I don't run. I hate running. It winds me so bad, and makes me feel like I'm going to die. I pushed through it though, I pushed through feeling like I couldn't breath. I pushed through the burn in my legs. I pushed through feeling self conscious of the people around me. I ran. I completed the goal I set for myself. Then I finished a work out with a group that was working out in the field, and then I left. It felt great. I feel great. I've set a goal for myself of where I want to be, by when and I am determined to get there. I have also set a reward for myself. Motivational win?
Okay, I'm going to go, I have a letter to write and future plans to daydream about.
I leave you with this quote I saw somewhere, I really like it.
"If you don't like where you are, change it. You are not a tree"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)