The last seven months has been quite a journey for me. A journey of pain, heartache, depression like I have never felt before.. and out of all of that, seeing myself for the first time in a long time. Growth. That is the point behind life's troubling times. The roller coaster that we can experience through out our lives is meant to teach us to grow. We aren't born into knowing. We are born to learn.
Six years ago I fell in love. I fell hard and I fell fast for the most amazing man. He became my best friend, he became my everything - and I mean everything. I wrapped myself up in him completely and lost myself. The next six years of our lives were filled with hard times. It was filled with money problems, it was filled with trust problems, it was filled with a small amount of resentment from me that I never understood. It was also filled with love, friendship, amazing memories. It was filled with holding onto each other when we had nothing else to hold onto. We were young, we made mistakes, we shoved each other away when we should have sat and as he said to me once "slapped each other silly". We didn't do that though, instead we drifted. We made decisions based on emotions without thinking. We took something that could have been beautiful and we twisted it.
When that relationship came to an end I was left broken. I was left bitter and openly resentful. I couldn't understand how I had given everything I had - and it hadn't been enough. That is where the last seven months comes into play. Through out our break up we were determined to hold onto our friendship, but neither of us knew how. I wanted to lash out at him and hurt him and I feel pretty confident that he felt the same way. We hurt each other in those first couple months. Then we began to heal. We spent time together, we spent time talking, we spent time.. understanding. In short, we found closure.
On the way to that closure I spent a lot of time talking to other friends on the topic of love and relationships. I spent a lot of time looking inside myself at what I want and need. I spent a lot of time looking outside at him and what he needed. So the time came, when he found himself in a new relationship. Everyone worries as to how I would take this news, but I am happy. That confused me at first, to know that I wasn't putting on a happy face and just saying the words but I was in fact genuinely happy. For the last year, from August when I left Canada until now we have both been so unhappy. He was drinking a lot and going out a lot and throwing himself into work. He wasn't living healthy and he sure as hell was anything but happy. I couldn't get out of bed some days, it was terrible. It was no way to live. I love this man in a way that I have never loved before. I love him unconditionally and I do not need to be -with- him to love him. It isn't the kind of love where I expect relationship and marriage and life ever after. It is real love, it has no expectations. It has no limits. It wants him to find happiness because he deserves happiness.
That was the lesson of my journey. Love. Love yourself unconditionally. Love others as you love yourself. Want for others what you want for yourself. When you love, you don't hold someone back, you hold them up and tell them to fly. Every once in awhile you get to fly with them, and that's enough. Friendship, true friendship is love, and love is as the Beatles said, all we need. A line from Eat Pray Love says "We will be unhappy together, but happy we are not apart" that .. is the worst future I could ever imagine and I am glad that that, was not my future. I am glad that that was not his future. It should be no ones future. When we cherish love, respect love, and put love first what we get is a life full of amazing friendships. This is the lesson, this is the journey to love and to finding my best friend.
Love freely, love without fear, love without expectations.
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