Bear Summer

   So yesterday was the much anticipated arrival of little bear. I can't even begin to explain how incredibly happy I am to have my baby with me again. He's just so full of life and love, and a complete delight to be around. Mama missed her baby boy. We celebrated his arrival with a trip to the pool. He absolutely loves the water. He comes by that honestly, I'm a little concerned that he has NO fear what-so-ever with the pool. I mean, it's great and should make teaching him to swim easier, but a child who has no fear of the pool and who can't swim.. that's a dangerous mix! He's got his life jacket on at all times right now, because he loves to jump in. I'm really going to have to get him swimming asap though.

Airport snuggles

He'd just live here if I let him

  Michael and Alhanna are so thrilled to have their brother back too, the reunion of  my three musketeers has been fantastic. Oh there's been some arguments, but find me siblings that don't do that. It's like music to my ears right now, I missed it! 

Three Musketeers

I'm so happy, and I feel so lucky to have three happy, healthy, beautiful children. I have amazing friends, one of my best friends in the entire world I got to spend an hour with yesterday. I swear it's never enough, but I'm thankful for it. However there is a flip side to all this happy, isn't there always? A couple days ago I left my bank card at work, someone took it and spent pretty much everything I had on it and then turned it into the service desk. So, I'm fairly stressed because it basically means I have no money for the next week and a half while it's all straightened out and I wait to get paid. It sucks, it couldn't have happened at a worse time. I'm going to try and remain positive though, and just focus as much as I can all on the good!

Goals for a year

Goals for the next year of my life, it's like new years resolutions in July.

1. Reach my goal weight
2. Get to a comfortable financial place
3. Gain my freedom
4. Pay off old school loans so I can go back to school
5. Be more open minded and open mouthed. Meaning, gain the confidence to talk to people about how feel, instead of holding things in. 
6. Own a good camera
7. Turn said camera into a money making hobby
8. See more concerts, seriously
9. Love freely and openly
10. Visit my BFF, and make it a yearly thing!
11. Move into my own place
12. Start roller blading again
13. Laugh, as often as I possibly can, especially in the face of the things life throws at me
14. Spend more time at the beach
15. Write more often

  I may add to this, but for now I just needed to get these things out there!

The self control monster under the bed.

    So, I know usually there's about four months minimum between my blogging, however I am going to try and make a change to that. Inspired by my bff I want to try and find the time to write every day. Writing has always been my outlet, my sanity, my shoulder to cry on or pillow to scream into. It has been my ever enduring, never turns its back on me, waits around for me when I disappear for four months at a time, type of friend. That said, I'm sure it won't always be interesting posts to anyone other than myself. It won't always be deep, thought provoking, be a better person posts. Some days, like today, it will just be getting out some things inside my head... because things inside your head need somewhere to live too, and my head is getting crowded!


    Now, onto the things in my head! First of all, as most anyone that actually reads this knows, I have been on a roller coaster ride that I like to call "getting healthier" for about a year now. I've sort of hit a plateau in the last few months. That has a lot to do with some things that were going on that I won't get into. Now that it's over though, I want to get back on the wagon. Not just back on the wagon, but  charge the wagon full speed ahead. I have found some work out videos I'm going to dedicate myself to, I'm going to start using the bike I have access to, mix in some swimming for fun and some yoga for sanity. Most importantly though I'm going to work on my self control. I like food. I like food that tastes so good you know it must be bad for you. That's not my real problem though, my real problem is the inability to tell myself no. This will be the first demon I tackle, telling myself no. I started today and I think I had a great first day. I went to the movies this morning with a friend and instead of indulging in movie snacks, I brought healthier snacks with me. I had a spinach salad with homemade salsa on it for lunch, and will pack myself a healthy dinner to remove the temptation of eating fast food junk while at work. Self control has always been the monster under my bed, whether it be food or something else. I have lived with the "you can't have too much of a good (or sinfully good) thing" mentality for too long, but I have faith in my ability to break these bad habits.


     The second thing on my head lately is commmpppllletteeeellly unrelated, yes completely did need to be dragged out like that okay. So I work in retail. In my job I see a lot of different people, happy families, unhappy families, miserable couples, adorable little old people still holding hands, etc etc. People watching has always been something I loved, seeing how people interact with each other, or what they do when they think no one is watching.. it's fascinating to me. I think you can learn a lot from watching people, this weeks learned lesson? Children are placed in our lives as much to teach us life lessons, as we are placed in their life to teach them life lessons. I've watched as mothers try and quiet their laughing children, children who are so clearly just enjoying the hell out of life. For some reason loud, rambunctious, fun having children are seen as "not proper" for public places. While I guess this is true if you're in a stiffy art museum or  packed movie theater, it's not really as true as people seem to think it is.. everywhere else. I think that the biggest lesson that we have to learn from the our children is to stop being so serious all the time and embrace our inner child. We (the universal we of society) force our children to grow up fast, we tell them to stop acting like children, we crush their imagination, chase away their invisible friends, and turn those smiles upside down. Creating a small army of serious, greedy, out for themselves, don't stop and help someone in need, people for the next generation. But.. why? Next time your child is trying to paint you a picture with words, jump into the story with them, fight the dragons along side their invisible friends, pick lolipop flowers in a rainbow field, fly high above the sky with wings you sprouted out of no where. Laugh. Listen to that ever contagious sound of a childs laughter, and instead of shushing it join in. Remember what it's like to look through the naive, innocent, life inexperienced eyes of your own childhood. Remember what it felt like not to understand why anyone would care if two men held hands, worshiped a different god, or spoke a different language. Remember what it felt like to strive only for 5 more minutes of running around outside, instead of making that next dollar. Remember what it felt like to love, just because you hadn't been taught anything else yet. Watch our little people, the reminders of the innocence we all once had... and learn from it. 


  I think that's all my head has right now, oh also Game of Thrones is a great book series. I highly recommend it, even if it did make me so mad last night I almost quit reading it. Maybe I get too invested in characters in a story? Either way, read it. Don't cheat and watch the show! 


 Now that's it for my head, and this blog! 


Todays lunch:

And all of the people, they were judged as one.

 
 So lately I've been noticing a lot of hate all up on my facebook. A good amount of this hate lands on a subject that actually hits pretty close to home for me. What subject? People receiving some sort of government aid, be it food stamps, cash assistance, health insurance, daycare help, whatever. There seems to be a lot of judgments being passed and a lot of assumptions being made. As the small and close minded of the world are known to do, they take the bad examples (and we all know the bad making the news or hitting the media in some way, far outweighs any amount of good) and they judge an entire group of people based on these things. There are a couple things on this topic that I feel the need to touch on.

  First of all, the subject of drug testing for welfare vs drug testing for a job. I'm so tired of seeing "if you can't apply for a job because you can't pass a drug test, why should you get welfare?" Let's completely ignore the fact that I don't agree with drug testing on any level (and yes, I could pass the tests), and just focus on one very key difference.

    Applying for a job doesn't cost you money. They don't make you pay for the drug test, there are no fees associated with it. However, if you are struggling and you need to apply for government help, well you better come up with some money first and pay for that drug test. Yes, they will reimburse you if you pass, but in the mean time.. go ahead and take food from your stomach or your children's stomachs, because you have to pay for that drug test. Right now in the state of Florida, drug testing is only required for receiving cash assistance. I think people are confused about the way cash assistance actually works.

    First of all, you have to be making basically zero dollars in a month to receive cash assistance. Second of all, the cash assistance they do give you is barely enough to put milk in the fridge for an entire month, let alone help with much else. So the people applying for this help, they're completely desperate, trying not to go without basic necessities for themselves or their kids. I should throw in here, that as a condition to receiving said cash assistance, you have to go to a job training class so many times a week, for so many hours. On top of this, you have to be actively looking for a job, with proof of what you've applied for and followed up on. So these people, struggling to get by, so desperate for a little bit of cash assistance, have to first come up with the money to take a drug test... before they can get it. That completely makes sense.

    Oh, I've heard all the arguments already. "People are abusing this system, there's ways around the requirements, there's this and that." I have to say, of course people are abusing the system. Find me a system that people aren't abusing. There will always be someone abusing something, but you don't judge the whole based on the few. I feel like these are lessons we should have learned a long time ago, lessons that are retaught on a daily basis in little ways if you just pay attention.

   The second thing I want to touch on, is the judgement on what people receiving food assistance are buying. I think that what people seem to forget, while they're standing in line looking over what's in the cart of someone using food stamps, thinking to themselves "Hmmph, they shouldn't be buying THAT with my money" is that MOST of those people, are putting their own taxes back into that very same system. MOST of those people are hardworking individuals, paying their taxes just like everyone else, into a system that is currently giving them a hand up. Now more importantly, whether or not your taxes go into that system too... who the hell do you think you are to decide what someone else should or shouldn't eat? I have heard it all, they shouldn't be buying that shrimp or lobster, why are they buying a cake, look at all that expensive organic stuff, or all that junk food. You're right, people on food stamps should live on mac and cheese and ramen noodles all month long. It amazes me how little it doesn't seem to occur to people, that maybe that cake is the only way a child gets to eat a birthday cake, or maybe that lobster is the only way a couple struggling to get by gets a nice anniversary dinner, and that junk food.. maybe it's providing for a little girls first slumber party. Yes, people 'abuse' the system, yes some people spend their money on junk just because, mostly because they don't really know a better way to spend their money, but that doesn't give you or anyone else the right to judge what is in their cart. Especially since you don't actually know WHY it's in their cart.

    Personally, I receive food help. I'm not ashamed of that or afraid to admit it. I have worked hard to find my footing and work my way back up onto my feet. I'm not there yet, but I'm getting there and in the mean time, my kids won't go without because I applied for that help. Now I've gotten the looks over my cart before, the comments when people think I'm not listening. Why? Because I shop healthy. My kids can't drink cows milk, so I "splurge" on almond milk. I don't want them drinking fruit flavoured sugar, so I "splurge" on more expensive juices. We eat a lot of organic, we buy a lot of produce, you see a lot of things in my cart that look like I'm 'wasting' money on expensive things.. but guess what, I know enough about eating healthy to know that my cart full of "expensive waste" is going to keep me and my children not only fuller but healthier, than your cart full of processed, cheap, boxed dinner, crap.

  One final thing I'd like to reiterate, and I feel like I've basically said it through this entire blog but here goes... For every person abusing the system, there are 10 hard working people just trying to get by. People who went from having a good job, to having no job. People who went from not having to work, to taking whatever job they could to get through the week. People who, just like everyone else, are or have put their money into the system. Every single person I know who is receiving some form of government aid, is using it as a hand up to get back on their feet. They are people who get up every day, go to work, and struggle to get by. This isn't about people being lazy, it isn't about people being too drugged or too drunk to work, it isn't about people squandering their money away on useless things. It's about people, struggling to keep their heads above water and not drown in a mountain of debt. 


    Every single one of us deserves a few basic things, shelter and food are just a couple of them. Stop living in an age of greed, of wanton waste, and serious lack of compassion. Look around you and realize that at any moment, your life could turn upside down and you could find yourself in a position where you're struggling too. Hopefully if that ever happens, you'll meet a wall of compassion and understanding, willing to help you and stand with you while you learn to stand on your own again. Maybe, just maybe, all of us could use a refresher on our first day of kindergarten. Treat others how you would want to be treated and make use of the buddy system.. because no one should go through life alone. Spend a little more time being part of someones support system, and a little less time being a part of the hate in the world.

   Before I go off on a subject of a completely different colour, aka the way we treat each other, I'm going to end this here. I close with some verses from one of my favourite songs. It's by a little band called Third Wheel Tuesday, and even though this blog is about the subject of all those people out there, receiving help so they don't drown... Well, I feel this song applies to this, and a lot of other things. It all boils down to this... Compassion, love, understanding. These things could feed the world, if only we'd open our eyes and our hearts and let them.


"I’m not talking about men. I’m not talking about women. 
I’m not talking about your God or their god or if you think he’s coming again. 
I’m not talking about nations, but I’m talking about peace. 
I’m talking about a rich man and a poor man and all the space in between. 

I’m not talking about color. It doesn’t mean a Goddamn thing! 
It’s about hope and faith in compassion and dignity. 
It’s about one man to another, like all men are brothers and this whole world- it is our home. 
And if we’re stuck here together, maybe we can make it better- if we don’t try, we’ll never know. 

And in this- the last verse, I plea for salvation- born out of forgiveness, delivered in patience. 
The past is behind us, the future is here and if this is what “love” means, 
I hope that it’s near. Love."

The I Can't Nation

   This morning I managed to get a small amount of time to myself, I decided to take advantage of this time (on a bus) to listen to music and try and piece together some thoughts that have been floating around my head for the last few days. This is the end result...



   I tend to be a person with a head full of constant thinking. I don't always know what these thoughts are exactly, sometimes they're just there in the background trying to push their way out. I don't know always know how to put these thoughts to words, but I always know they're there. I walk through the day with these half thoughts trying to piece themselves together as I go. I spend time listening, thinking, and occasionally trying to speak the things  I'm thinking, but mostly just listening and thinking. As I go through the day to day, talking to people or listening to conversations people are having I tend to hear one phrase said so many different times on so many different topics. I call it the we can't epidemic. Now I was taught from a very young age, and this may very well be the most important thing I was ever taught, I was taught I can't doesn't exist. I was taught if you dream it you can do it. I was taught if you put your mind to it, somehow there is a way to make it happen. Once upon a time someone dreamed that people would fly high up in the sky, and look at us now. The seemingly impossible becomes possible every day. So in this way, I can't does not exist. People say I can't, we can't, it will never happen.. so much through out the day that I don't think they even realize how much of an epidemic it has become. They say it for the smallest things, "I can't learn a foreign language, I'm just no good at it" to big huge things "I'm just one person, I can't change anything." That last one gives an idea of what sparked these thoughts in my head to begin with.
 
   I was talking to a friend the other day, we were talking about the world. We were talking about greed, religious intolerance, sexual intolerance, racial intolerance, every intolerance and judgement that is passed everyday. We were talking about the me, myself, and I politicians and the I can't Nation, because that is what we as an entire people around the world have become. A nation of I can'ts, we can'ts, it's not possibles. These conversations tend to go the same way every time I have them, with a skeptical look my way, a sigh and a "ya it's a nice thought but it will never happen". The point of this blog, why not?

  I just finished reading "The Five People You Meet in Heaven" for the.. fourth or fifth time. Now I don't really believe in heaven or hell, but this book carries in it some very good messages. The first message comes early in the book and is very simple to grasp. "Strangers are just family you haven't met yet." Imagine the impact of such a simple thought, a simple change in behavior. If we actually treated everyone we met with the kindness we afford to family, imagine that impact? Now before I go further on that, the second message (which is actually the entire premise of the book) ties in with this. Everyone that crosses your path is effected by you, and effects you. Everyone. From people you never talk to, from people you straight up ignore, to people you end up having in depth conversations with. Why? We are all connected. There is a deep connection between each and every person. Something in us that calls out to reconnect with the pieces of itself that it sees in others. I wanted to stop for a minute, and really focus on this thought.

 Imagine you are riding on the bus, you have your headphones in and your eyes cast down somewhere so as not to be forced to talk to anyone. Someone gets on the bus and sits across from you, you don' tknow it but this person is having an absolutely terrible day.. month.. year. For whatever reason they are miserable, they feel invisible to the world, and as if they don't matter. They glance your way, and your first instinct is to look anywhere but at them. To avoid conversation at all costs. Unbeknownst to you, you have just confirmed that persons feelings of invisibility. Now lets imagine you do something different this time. Let's imagine that this time, you listen to that part of you calling out to connect to this person. You smile their way and ask how they are. You, a complete stranger, just transformed that persons day. All it took was a smile and a hello, and you made that person feel visible again. It's a simple example of how we are all connected and how we can all impact each other, but it gets the point across.

  Now to tie this all back into my original point, the I can't nation, our world. Why is it that so many people think it is impossible to make this world a better place, one person at a time? If every person who says "we can't do that" was to stop and say "-I- can do that" imagine the difference? If even one person steps out of their norm and says today I'm going to live as if every stranger I see is just family I haven't met yet, let me treat that person as if they are me, as if they are my best friend, or my favorite aunt, imagine the impact? One person makes an impact on one person, who moves on to make an impact on another person (ya I think they made a movie about this ;) ), the point is.. it all snowballs. It starts to roll down a giant hill catching everyone up in it's path as it goes, becoming an unstoppable avalanche. A lovealanche if you will.

 It's not a matter of, we don't have the power or we don't have the money to make a difference. Love is free. A smile is free. Compassion is free.

"Imagine all the people sharing all the world"

Imagine. Love. Say I can. And the world will  live as one.

It's really just that simple, I'll start.

The Journey of Love

   The last seven months has been quite a journey for me. A journey of pain, heartache, depression like I have  never felt before.. and out of all of that, seeing myself for the first time in a long time. Growth. That is the point behind life's troubling times. The roller coaster that we can experience through out our lives is meant to teach us to grow. We aren't born into knowing. We are born to learn.

     Six years ago I fell in love. I fell hard and I fell fast for the most amazing man. He became my best friend, he became my everything - and I mean everything. I wrapped myself up in him completely and lost myself. The next six years of our lives were filled with hard times. It was filled with money problems, it was filled with trust problems, it was filled with a small amount of resentment from me that I never understood. It was also filled with love, friendship, amazing memories. It was filled with holding onto each other when we had nothing else to hold onto. We were young, we made mistakes, we shoved each other away when we should have sat and as he said to me once "slapped each other silly". We didn't do that though, instead we drifted. We made decisions based on emotions without thinking. We took something that could have been beautiful and we twisted it.

    When that relationship came to an end I was left broken. I was left bitter and openly resentful. I couldn't understand how I had given everything I had - and it hadn't been enough. That is where the last seven months comes into play. Through out our break up we were determined to hold onto our friendship, but neither of us knew how. I wanted to lash out at him and hurt him and I feel pretty confident that he felt the same way. We hurt each other in those first couple months. Then we began to heal. We spent time together, we spent time talking, we spent time.. understanding. In short, we found closure.

  On the way to that closure I spent a lot of time talking to other friends on the topic of love and relationships. I spent a lot of time looking inside myself at what I want and need. I spent a lot of time looking outside at him and what he needed. So the time came, when he found himself in a new relationship. Everyone worries as to how I would take this news, but I am happy. That confused me at first, to know that I wasn't putting on a happy face and just saying the words but I was in fact genuinely happy. For the last year, from August when I left Canada until now we have both been so unhappy. He was drinking a lot and going out a lot and throwing himself into work. He wasn't living healthy and he sure as hell was anything but happy. I couldn't get out of bed some days, it was terrible. It was no way to live. I love this man in a way that I have never loved before. I love him unconditionally and I do not need to be -with- him to love him. It isn't the kind of love where I expect relationship and marriage and life ever after. It is real love, it has no expectations. It has no limits. It wants him to find happiness because he deserves happiness.

 That was the lesson of my journey. Love. Love yourself unconditionally. Love others as you love yourself. Want for others what you want for yourself. When you love, you don't hold someone back, you hold them up and tell them to fly. Every once in awhile you get to fly with them, and that's enough. Friendship, true friendship is love, and love is as the Beatles said, all we need. A line from Eat Pray Love says "We will be unhappy together, but happy we are not apart" that .. is the worst future I could ever imagine and I am glad that that, was not my future. I am glad that that was not his future. It should be no ones future. When we cherish love, respect love, and put love first what we get is a life full of amazing friendships. This is the lesson, this is the journey to love and to finding my best friend.

Love freely, love without fear, love without expectations.

"But, I never intended to hurt you"

   So, I know I haven't written in awhile. The few people who read this know I've had quite a lot going on and I just haven't been able to sit down and put thoughts into words at all. Everything I want to say seems so bitter or jaded, and comes out one sided and unfair. So I've decided not to blog about the break up. Not directly anyways, not about the circumstances or the who did what, there's no fingers to be pointed or blame to be laid, we both made mistakes and it isn't about who made bigger mistakes or more mistakes. I am going to write about a few things I've been thinking on, that probably came to me due in large part to the break up and any slight bitterness I may or may not (okay am) feeling.

 First of all, I was thinking last night on something that I think we hear a lot. A small statement that is seriously over used and misunderstood in my opinion. What statement you ask? "I would never intentionally hurt you" or "My intentions were good.." or other statements involving ones "intentions" and how they've gone wrong. I have a few problems with these things. First of all, intent is defined as a purpose or anticipated outcome of ones actions. So it comes to mind that when you are intending to do something you are generally thinking about what you want to do, how you want it to pan out, what you want the end result to be, see a pattern here? you you you. When someone says "I never intended to hurt you" it's often said after something incredibly insensitive and not thought out has occurred, so the real question here is.. what did you intend? How often are these statements -genuinley- made? How often is it said after someone actually stops and puts thought into their plan of action, stops and thinks about how what they do will affect the people around them? I'm no scientist, there isn't any numbers or facts to back this up, but I would be willing to put money on the fact that more often then not this statement is made after a rash, spur of the moment decision was made - not after someone actually thought about what they were doing. So, in a way you're right - your intentions weren't to hurt a person, because you never really thought about what your intentions were. A more accurate statement would be "I didn't stop to think about how it would affect anyone"  I realize that all sounds a little jaded, but I still stand by it. In order to be able to say you never intended to do something, or that you wouldn't intentionally do something, you have to be willing to actually think through intentions.

 Another saying that I find to be fairly annoying right now ... "It is better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all". I have to wonder if the person who said that has ever actually had their heart broken. I would never wish to take back the last 5 years of my life, I would never call them a mistake, I would never call loving him a mistake, or wish that I hadn't happened. That said however, this feeling.. this empty pit in the bottom of my stomach, this almost constant feeling like I'm stuck at the bottom of a giant lake of depression, the putting a smile on my face everyday and pretending I'm okay, the feeling like a 600lb man is sitting on my chest and I just can't breath, the thoughts of "huh, this must be what detox is like" and comparing love to drugs, all of it and the stabbing pains I randomly feel inside me when I realize my life isn't what I thought it would be... I'm not really sure it's better to have loved and lost and end up feeling like this - then to have never really known what love felt like. When you're in love you fly so high, you think you can touch the sky, you see the world through these ... everything is so grand and amazing rose colored glasses. Then when you lose that love, when you make a mistake and you fall from the pedestal that you were placed on, when someone realizes you're fallible and you're going to make mistakes, and they take their love away from you.. you crash hard and fast to the ground. It's like falling from the sun to the earths surface. Your body is left feeling broken, your heart feels like it's in a very strong mans death grip, and you just don't even see any light at the end of it all. It's a shitty sucky feeling, and I don't think that the person who said "it's better to have loved and lost..." .. had ever really felt what love detox feels like.

 I spend so a lot of time wishing things were different, wishing we could go back, I wish on stars, I wish at 11:11, I wish on every superstitious teenage wish making thing there is in existence that this reality wasn't my reality, but nothing is going to take me back before it all happened, nothing is going to change how things are now, and nothing is going to change the things we've done. So I'm left, fighting the bitter, fighting the jaded, and trying to accept that sometimes.. sometimes maybe the universe knows better then I do. That maybe there's a reason some wishes don't come true. Trying to remember that this isn't the end, just a new beginning.